Emotional Health

Episode 163. Learning to slow down and saying “No” to other people’s priorities

April 26, 2023

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Military women learning how to slow down. This can be hard for many of us because we are constantly ready to just go at it. Today I want to offer you to slow down and even tell people “No” if it interferes with your priorities.

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  • Full Transcript
    • [00:00:00] Wendi: hello ladies. And welcome to episode 163. [00:01:00] Today’s topic is all about. Learning how to slow down. And this can be hard for many of us. And by that, I mean, taking the time. To actually process the things that need to get done. Because for the most part. We’re constantly ready to just go at it, whatever tests we get, whatever thing we know that.
    • [00:01:28] Wendi: We need to get done. We immediately want to take action and what I’m offering you today. Is to slow down. And that’s something that is very difficult for many of you that are constantly on the go or constantly doing things at a thousand miles an hour. And I always say something that can not only, um, possibly trigger some of you, if you’re like, Hey, I, you don’t understand. I have so much to have to get done or I’m a single mom or.
    • [00:01:58] Wendi: Um, you know, [00:02:00] whatever it may be, your situation, your circumstance, but what I’m offering today. Is. To really take a moment. And become aware of how. You are thinking about the things that are coming to you in a way of, or in a sense of, um, tasks or things they need to get done. And by that, I mean,
    • [00:02:21] Wendi: Looking at. What you have going on? Put also when someone engages you or asks you to do something, even if it’s just a friend, even if it’s, um, your neighbor or your kids. Take a moment or take a setback. And really look at this situation or this ask. And ask yourself. And my immediately responding with, I’m going to give this to you, or I’m going to provide you an update or I’m going to provide your ask.
    • [00:02:55] Wendi: Right away. If the answer is yes. Then [00:03:00] you’re moving too fast and you may need to slow down. And the reason I’m saying this, or why it really thought about this topic. Is because this is something that we are just wired. To do. We’re just wired in. Or we’ve been wired. Her mind has been trained to say, yeah, I’ll get that right back to you. Give me two minutes or I’ll, you know, get back to you as soon as possible.
    • [00:03:22] Wendi: When there are other things that are probably priorities that you’re not. Um, facing, or you’re not engaging because this new request just came in, but it’s not even more so that it’s because of the way you are responding or the way. You are. Getting back to that individual or to that task or to that ask.
    • [00:03:43] Wendi: Because most of the time people are like, okay, well, I was just, you know, letting you know that this is what may be coming up, or I don’t need this right away. Or maybe they do say they need it right away. But it’s up to you to say, you know, or be honest with them and let them know that, Hey, I can’t provide this to you today [00:04:00] because I have X, Y, Z.
    • [00:04:02] Wendi: In front of it, or maybe we’re also so used to. Um, people please. And that’s something again that I’m still recovering from. Along with other things, but we’re so used to people pleasing and, and, you know, focusing on what they want and not focusing on what we need to get done and also what we want to get done. Right. We want to focus time with our kids. We want to spend time with our loved ones. We want to be able to do this hobby.
    • [00:04:27] Wendi: We want to be able to do X, Y, Z. Thing after work or before work, but we’re not doing it because. We are so focused on doing other things. Right away because we’re prioritizing them over the things that we’ve already planned for ourselves, or even for others. That we have to get done.
    • [00:04:46] Wendi: Okay, so now how do we learn to slow down? And first, I want to say that it’s very important for you to acknowledge that you may need to slow down. Now, if this doesn’t apply to you, kudos to you and [00:05:00] continue doing what you’re doing, because you may be telling people no, and you may be telling people that you can’t get back to them in, you know,
    • [00:05:06] Wendi: At least 48 hours or a week, whatever it may be for you. But for those of y’all that are struggling. Or possibly even, even not knowing how to. Acknowledge and be aware that you need to slow down because. You will know if this is you. If you have a thousand things that you need to get done. On top of that.
    • [00:05:28] Wendi: You are constantly telling yourself you need to tell people. No. But you’re still saying yes, because again, you may have this people pleasing. Um, I don’t want to say problem, but this nature of just being a people pleaser either how you were raised or just how you’ve the nature of just who you are and your personality.
    • [00:05:48] Wendi: And so I want to offer you today to just take a moment and one, ask yourself if this applies to you. If the answer is yes, then it’s completely fine. You are going to get through this. And the first step would be to [00:06:00] just focus on. How your mind is thinking when people ask you to do things or when people need your attention, because that’s another thing, right? Like we are always constantly.
    • [00:06:13] Wendi: Just waiting for people to ask us for something. Or, you know, we know that we’re the go-to person and we’re constantly just, um, unintentionally, you know, getting distracted or allowing ourselves to get distracted by other people’s needs. And now I’m not saying that you need to be selfish or. You know, you shouldn’t be worried about other people’s, um, asks or needs, especially when it comes to work. That’s not what I’m saying.
    • [00:06:39] Wendi: What I’m saying here is to be aware of how quickly you are even, you know, responding. But also. What, um, turnaround deadlines or giving yourself into other people. Because it becomes a problem when we are sacrificing the things [00:07:00] that we need to get done for ourselves and for our families. And then, you know, blame this person or this task or this situation.
    • [00:07:11] Wendi: Knowing that you could have possibly 99% of the time. Said no, or even. Um, asked for a longer turnaround time and this could be for work as well. Being honest, being okay with the discomfort being okay with. Not being that person. That’s going to do everything in an hour or in a minute. And so that’s what I want to offer you today.
    • [00:07:33] Wendi: To first start with one. Acknowledging that it’s you, or that this is something that you need to do. Learn to slow down. And two, if that’s you. Start to become aware. Of what you’re thinking. Because that’s typically what you’re, what’s going to come out of your mouth. On, based on what you’re thinking about this ask or this request or this.
    • [00:07:57] Wendi: Task that needs to get done. [00:08:00] And so as the other person is asking, you allow yourself to give this. What I like to call like this. Um, This moment of silence, right? Like there’s going to be, you know, Hey Wendy, can you please get this XYZ thing to me? Um, by tomorrow. Allow at least 10 seconds of you to process.
    • [00:08:23] Wendi: What is being asked and also for you to check what you have going on. So, again, going back to my example. I would, the first thing would be okay. What is she asking? She, or he. They want X amount of thing that I probably have no idea how to get done or it’s new to me. Okay. Clearly going to take more time.
    • [00:08:43] Wendi: I have X, Y, Z, that I need to do today. That’s a do out by the end of the week. So. You want to be able to say one, give me a moment. Let me check what I have going on. Two. To also acknowledge them. [00:09:00] In a way of, Hey, like I appreciate you. Coming to me for this, because obviously you may be the point of contact or this is something that’s in your expertise or maybe they’re, they just know this is something that you are really good at.
    • [00:09:13] Wendi: So, yes. Always acknowledged the fact that yes, you are the one, but at the same time, Keeping that authority that you are in control of your calendar. Or have other things that are already on your plans and tasks for you to do. And so you could do this in the most professional and respectful way. You know, thank you for bringing this up to me, or I’m happy to support you in this XYZ thing. Task project.
    • [00:09:38] Wendi: But here’s what I have going on. The earliest I can get back to you is X, Y, Z. Perfect. If they have a, um, I want to say like an objection towards the deadline or whatever it may be. Then you ask them. Okay. Is there another way. That I could support you for the day that I proposed, [00:10:00] or is there another way that we could work this or, you know, what do we need to get done in order to make this work? Because I have priorities.
    • [00:10:07] Wendi: Now, if you can move your, you know, if you’re flexible and you can move stuff around, we got it. But you always have to keep in mind. And, and really ask yourself, am I doing this to people please? And, you know, I agree with them and give them that turnaround deadline that they’re giving me just because I want to, you know, not only people please, but also.
    • [00:10:27] Wendi: Um, feel this dopamine hit of, I’m the one that they’re coming to, and I can get this done because I know I can, although you may have a thousand other things that you need to get done. That are more priority or there are a priority. And need to get done. Regardless of what is going on and now you’re going to lose sleep or now you’re going to, you know, feel overwhelmed, whatever it may be. Are you sacrificing that over?
    • [00:10:55] Wendi: The discomfort of you telling this person? No. And so when [00:11:00] you answer that question, You want to be honest with yourself? You’re like, okay, why am I, why is it so difficult for me to one slow down to. To tell people my priorities, let them know my actual important things and things that I value and cherish.
    • [00:11:15] Wendi: Versus me just telling them no and being uncomfortable. In filling the discomfort that they, they could go to somebody else. And when you ask yourself that question, I want you to actually answer that question. What is it? Do you feel that maybe they’re not going to come to you anymore? That may be a great thing, right?
    • [00:11:32] Wendi: Do you think that they’re going to think differently of you if your work ethic. Do you feel that you’re going to be left out? Like there are so many things, right? Like, um, what is it called? Um, FOMO fear of missing out. Like, what is it that you’re holding on to that isn’t allowing you to one slow down or give them an honest answer?
    • [00:11:52] Wendi: Because most of the time we have a thousand things going on. And the reason I bring this up again is because. My friend and [00:12:00] I, my best friend, we were talking, we’re chatting this week. And I had asked her, um, or I had told her something that I needed from her and it wasn’t anything bigger or anything like that, but I just wanted to know something and she’s like, oh, I’ll get back to you later today. And I’m like, no, no, take your time.
    • [00:12:17] Wendi: I don’t need to know by today. You can tell me by the end of the week. Um, it’s just, I’m just curious. And so again, we get so focused on and she’s also a, an army veteran. And so we’re so focused on getting back to people so quickly forgetting, and I’m sure she, she, she had time or she, she was okay with providing me an answer that evening, but I wanted her to know that.
    • [00:12:43] Wendi: There wasn’t any rush or it’s okay for her to get back to you by the end of the week or by the end of the month, whatever it may be. And sometimes we don’t have. People too. Um, remind us that it’s not, it’s not something that you need to do right away. [00:13:00] But because we’re so used to saying, Hey, I’ll get that back to you today.
    • [00:13:04] Wendi: I’ll get back to him in a couple of hours. I’ll let you know, as soon as possible. That we now have pushed our other priorities, other important things that we want to get done or need to get done. To the right in order to simply fulfill this commitment that was really not needed. In a way where no one was even asking for that immediate response. And so that’s why I’m like, I need to talk about this and who really.
    • [00:13:31] Wendi: Really having a moment, a heart to heart with other women, because a lot of us are moms. A lot of us are, you know, Maybe even single mothers. Um, I’m not a single mother, but I’m just saying like across the board, there are a lot of single mothers out there and there’s so many things that you have going on already.
    • [00:13:49] Wendi: Or maybe you’re not single, but your, your husband travels. Or you’re typically, you know, you’re the one that works from home. So you’re the one that has to do pretty much everything [00:14:00] or. Whatever it may be for you. You’re just responsible for so many more things than anyone else and your family. And so I want to offer you to really acknowledge that you may need to slow down. You may need to not slow down, slow down in a sense of doing the things that you’re doing.
    • [00:14:18] Wendi: But slowing down in what you’re thinking about a certain ask or, or even, um, task that you need to get done. Is this something that I need to do right away. If they ask me. For a or an ask or they want me to do something. Is it okay for me to propose. A different date, a different time. For me to get back to them. The answer is yes, of course.
    • [00:14:46] Wendi: But ask them and be honest with yourself. Why is it that you want so much? To people please, or be the one that they always come to. And maybe not be okay with the discomfort of missing out [00:15:00] the discomfort of you not doing things right away. And let’s face it. I’d rather someone be honest with me and say, Hey.
    • [00:15:08] Wendi: I, they won’t get back to me until, you know, Thursday. I asked him on Monday, but Hey, they can get back to me until Thursday, so that’s completely fine. Versus I’ll get back to you today. And now you’re like all stressed out. You’re trying to juggle a thousand things and now you provide me an update that possibly may even.
    • [00:15:25] Wendi: Not be the best. Uh, response because of so many other things that you have going on, not to mention that we like to overwhelm ourselves and distract ourselves with other things to overwhelm us, because we want to not feel overwhelmed about our life or about our tests that we have done. We want to overwhelm about something else.
    • [00:15:42] Wendi: Because it’s just easier and it sounds better and it’s also easier to blame. Other people than ourselves. So. Again, This is always happening, especially in our military community, because we want to provide an answer right away. We don’t want to be left behind. We don’t want to be out of the circle. We want to be [00:16:00] seen and known as this.
    • [00:16:01] Wendi: You know, a high charger overachiever, and we get stuff done and we get after it. I get it. I’ve been there. But at the same time, you also have people. In desires that you have, that you want to fulfill because of the nature of who you are because of the purpose that you have on this earth, because of the things that, you know,
    • [00:16:24] Wendi: You need to get done, right. Especially if you’re a mother, especially if you have a career, if you have money on the line, if there are people involved, right. You shouldn’t be just focused on. People pleasing 99% of the time. And I’m only leaving 1% for you. At the very end of the day when you’re exhausted and tired, because you simply haven’t learned how to slow down your mind and slow down your responses, and also allow yourself to slow down in general and provide that out loud.
    • [00:16:56] Wendi: And say, Hey, I can’t get back. That CA I can’t get back to you today. [00:17:00] But I can get back to you in 48 hours or in 24 hours. Give me some time. I have other things. That have to get done. But I will get back to you and I’ll give you the best answer, the best response, the best feedback, whatever it may be.
    • [00:17:13] Wendi: In that amount of time. Because if not, you’re going to continue to drown yourself in so many ass, so many tasks. That now you’re showing up as this overwhelmed, frustrated, blaming others, blaming the situations. Because again, you haven’t really confronted that when you’re either. Probably people pleasing or two, you can’t stand the discomfort enough being the one or missing out.
    • [00:17:37] Wendi: Or sorry, because you’re missing out. Because you have so many things to do. But you also want to get the other thousand other things that are being asked for you. And sometimes are not even being asked for you to get done right away. So what I want to offer you this week. Has to take a moment. And acknowledge that this may be you.
    • [00:17:59] Wendi: Well, that this is you. [00:18:00] And then to start slowing down and the way you do it is by being aware of what you have going on each and every single day, what you need to get done. And also to be honest and be your Kayla discomfort, if you aren’t able to provide. Someone with a response or a task or an ask.
    • [00:18:20] Wendi: By the time that they are requesting it. Being honest. And being okay with them, Colonna, somebody else being honest and being okay and uncomfortable. With. Not getting it done for them because you have other priorities. All right, ladies, I hope that this podcast blesses you and that you not only feel less overwhelmed, but also continue to do the things that you’re wanting to do.
    • [00:18:44] Wendi: Have a beautiful rest of your week. Talk to you soon. Bye.
    • [00:18:48] [00:19:00]

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