In today’s episode, I share the cycle that may be keeping you stuck or avoiding goals in general.
- [00:00:00] Wendi: hello ladies. And welcome to episode 162. I am so [00:01:00] happy to be here behind the, my co with you. And I hope that you’re tuning in and excited to listen to today’s topic because. When I tell you that this topic is very much needed to be talked about because it happens a lot. And our mind and our lives with every little thing that we do. Um, and I want to say two more. So for, for us women, like when we are constantly doing 30 things at the same time, and you know what I’m talking about, because.
- [00:01:28] Wendi: Um, especially if you have a family, you are. You know, a mom, you are working, you are also possibly, um, wanting to learn and grow and just do some development or even more so have a business or are wanting to, you know, get into a side hustle or planning to transition or whatever it may be. I promise you.
- [00:01:53] Wendi: We have so many additional things more than, you know, our husbands or our male [00:02:00] counterparts in the military. We’re constantly thinking. Of the next thing that we have going on because we are constantly involved in different activities. And it’s also to, I think our innate nature of just wanting to be a part of.
- [00:02:13] Wendi: Um, You know, different groups, different teams, and just us wanting to be. Um, in a community sense environment. So. Of course, we task ourselves with additional, additional things or even, um, things that we didn’t even plan on from the very beginning. But with that being said, This is why I wanted it to go over, you know, our expectation, reality and discourage.
- [00:02:40] Wendi: Cycle. Um, because it does happen and we sometimes get into the cycle. That, um, it’s not necessarily a bad thing or a problem. But it’s more so sometimes keeping us from taking action or from actually moving into something that will. Um, [00:03:00] help us with progress or even improvement. And so I wanted to take the time today to go over with you and.
- [00:03:07] Wendi: Just, um, see maybe this is happening to you and also offer you some tips and some tools to help you not stay in this cycle of discouragement, disappointment and despair, because. We’re humans and it’s hard. It really is hard to balance a lot of not only your tasks, but goals and desires and ultimately this lifestyle that.
- [00:03:33] Wendi: Um, we get sold to right. We get sold on this lifestyle that we’re constantly aiming for, or even. So if we’re already there, Now we’re onto the next thing. And so I want to offer today that, you know, take a moment today to fully be present with whomever or whatever you’re focused on, but also take the time.
- [00:03:54] Wendi: To really ask yourself, you know, is this something that I’m doing? Am I really on this cycle? And if it is, how do I now [00:04:00] focus to balance? Um, both the negative emotion and the positive emotion, because this is really what it boils down to. And before I go any further, I do want to say that I have been struggling here with a sore throat. I don’t know what it is. I’m pretty sure it’s allergies.
- [00:04:16] Wendi: But I’m still recovering from actually getting my voice. Um, stronger. I don’t want to say that I lost my voice. I almost did. But at the same time, I love to talk. I love to share what is happening in my mind. So. I’ve been trying really hard, not to talk as much, but that’s also very difficult. When I have meetings and I have other, you know, um,
- [00:04:38] Wendi: Uh, I don’t wanna say. Obligations, but other commitments and it requires for me to actually use my voice. Of course. And so I just want to, you know, say that at the very beginning and let you know that my voice is a little different. It’s not just the audio. It’s really just what is happening over here with.
- [00:04:57] Wendi: My voice and just everything else. Um, [00:05:00] allergies, and, you know, it said spring season and all that. Great Paula. And that is around, which, by the way, I’m really grateful for. And so anyhow. Going back to this topic. I just want to offer you to take a moment and really focus on one area. Because again, we’re doing this in many different areas in our marriage. We’re doing this with our children. We’re doing this.
- [00:05:23] Wendi: Um, with her faith that we’re doing this with our careers, we’re doing this in our jobs with our teams. Um, with our side hustles, with our investments, whatever it may be. The expectation and reality is real. And here’s another thing. Um, I was thinking about this because my kids are always talking about or sharing with me.
- [00:05:43] Wendi: Videos that are so spot on with what’s happening in our lives. And, you know, with our little one. And it’s always funny to me when she, my, my kids share with me and mainly my daughter, she shares with me like reality versus expectation or [00:06:00] expectation versus reality videos. And I’m like, oh my gosh, it’s definitely, our family are definitely under the situation that we’re in.
- [00:06:05] Wendi: And so that’s really what started this idea of. Not only, um, understanding. Um, how our expectations can, um, help us or hurt us. And so, um, when we get into the psycho, it’s definitely going to hurt us if we don’t know that one we’re in the cycle and two how to really get out of it and how to, um,
- [00:06:28] Wendi: Really. Um, Implement a tool or a skill to help us with the next thing that will be coming up because there’s always something happening. There’s always something. Um, that we’re planning for, or that we’re, you know, I’m really excited about. And so when we can be ready and really understand what’s happening in our minds, then we can work on the emotional aspect because it all begins with a thought. It all begins in our minds. It all begins on how we’re making things mean.
- [00:06:59] Wendi: And [00:07:00] so here’s the truth. No matter what. Goals and desires. We have. Our own human nature. We’ll always focus on our greatest expectation. And that’s just the way our minds work. Our expectations are always high expectations, which is not a bad thing. It’s actually a great thing. We always expect great things, right? Like are, for the most part, our mind is going to go into, oh, we expect this to go extremely well.
- [00:07:29] Wendi: And sometimes even perfectly right. For all my perfectionists out there. And here’s the thing. That will not happen. 99.9% of the time. None, nothing on this. World’s perfect. And even as much as you would love to be perfect in what liked to be perfect and present in, put yourself out there in a perfect manner.
- [00:07:49] Wendi: That’s not the way life works. That’s just not the way. Us as humans in this broken world are supposed to function. And so when we can understand that as the [00:08:00] very beginning of the foundation of the truth, We can then now be open to the reality. Right. And I know. Some people when we say, well, I’m a realist anyway. So I don’t really struggle with this.
- [00:08:11] Wendi: But here’s the thing. Most of the time, even if you are a real, a realist or you consider yourself as a person that’s always focused on, um, the facts and not really consumed of, you know, like these, um, like, oh, like, I expect to meet this high goal. And you’re like, no, that’s not true. That’s fictional. And you know, that’s not something that is really going to happen. Then I get it. I get why you.
- [00:08:39] Wendi: I mean, I think that you don’t go into this cycle, but here’s the thing.
- [00:08:43] Wendi: Our minds, take us into different directions or car lists of what the expectation is, even if the expectation is low. We will still experience this negative emotion because we didn’t meet. That expectation, regardless of how high or [00:09:00] how low the part is. And so. Today, this is what it’s all about, right? Like how do we now deal with this?
- [00:09:07] Wendi: Discouragement or disappointment. And now. Really focus on the neutral emotion that we can then. Use to help us into creating now the feeling of encouragement or maybe motivated, or maybe even determined, whatever it may be for you. For everyone. It’s different for me. I always want to feel. Determined and encouraged, like what is going to help me?
- [00:09:35] Wendi: Move on to the next step. And not look back and continue to be disappointed because that’s what we do most of the time, too. We want to look in the rear view mirror and we’re like, oh my gosh, I can’t believe, you know, that didn’t happen the way I envisioned it or the way I planned it. And we do this all the time. I mean, every single thing that we do, and again, I may be more talking about me.
- [00:09:54] Wendi: Um, at this moment, but everything that I do or intend to do, I always have an [00:10:00] expectation, of course, like. MI, um, when we were thinking about having an, uh, another baby or like, oh yeah, it’s not going to be as hard. We’ve done this twice already. And the kids are, are older. We work from home.
- [00:10:11] Wendi: We’re experienced. We love kids. It’s, you know, the expectation was really high that we can handle this. Now the reality hits and we’re like, okay, this is more difficult than when we thought it would be. Now. I’m not saying it’s extremely hard, but he can’t be discouraging every now and then, you know, when we have conflicting our meetings or the schedule, doesn’t align with her sleep schedule and tone and so forth.
- [00:10:33] Wendi: And so again, the expectation is always there in no matter if it’s really low or if it’s really high. It will always create that negative emotion because of thought that we’re having of that goal or that task. So for me, it’s like, man, I thought it was going to be easier. Or man, why isn’t this easier?
- [00:10:56] Wendi: Or why does it have to be this difficult? Right. And so like, I get a little discouraged. [00:11:00] But I have to. Recognize it? Yes, it is discouraging. And yes, I feel disappointed in this moment. But. It can only get better. If I sit time and intent. For it to get better. And by that, I mean, the experience in general,
- [00:11:20] Wendi: Because this is what happens on, you know, why people stop working towards their goal. They stop. Focusing on their weight-loss school or on their money goals because of the disappointment, because of the expectations have not been met. In reality hits. And now they’re in this disappointment or discourage, um, feeling.
- [00:11:47] Wendi: And so now. I’m like, Nope, not going to feel it. I’m just going to avoid it and find something else. That will help me not feel as bad or help me feel better. [00:12:00] And so now. We are thinking that this core, this desire that we have. Have, you know, when we first cut in the expectation versus the reality.
- [00:12:11] Wendi: Now we have to change that. We’re like, okay, now we need to change the circumstance. We need to change it because it’s not meeting or didn’t meet my expectation. Another example. Which brings me or kind of, you know, Gave me more fire to talk about this topic is when we think. That going into this career field or getting out of this career field is going to be better there than here.
- [00:12:39] Wendi: And for most of us, we’re like ex. And again, I might be talking here about, about me, um, or how I dealt with this before, before even knowing about coaching and how my mind works. But when I was in college, I’m like, oh, I cannot wait to go active duty. It’s going to be so much better. The expectation was super high. And of me having not only a balance life and. [00:13:00]
- [00:13:00] Wendi: You know, doing so many great things was definitely through the roof. But what happened when I got there and now I had a family and now I’m active duty and I’m working 18 hours a day. And I can’t really balance anything at this moment. And so now my expectation. For this high expectation that I had was not met.
- [00:13:21] Wendi: I’m like, oh my gosh. Like, this is what it is to be active duty at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Of course I was disappointed and discouraged and really just overwhelmed if I’m being honest. And so again, what ever it is that you have focused on it being. Either, you know, this high expectation or the expectation that you thought was going to be, you know, a positive one.
- [00:13:50] Wendi: Or maybe even thinking that it was going to help with the negative. Expectation that you’re going through. That’s not how it works. What happens is that our [00:14:00] minds and want to. Change that circumstance that we’re in. And more so even avoid the situation that we’re in. Because we are in this negative emotion. And again, for most of us, it will be disappointment. It will be discouragement.
- [00:14:16] Wendi: It will be unmotivated. And so what we do, then we blame the circumstance. We blame the circumstance and then here’s the other part. We then start questioning our decisions that we’ve made when, like, why did we do this? Why did I think this is going to be a great deal and such. You know, I’m not a great, um,
- [00:14:37] Wendi: Thought leader or a leader or. How did I make this terrible decision? I’m such a terrible human or whatever. Maybe for you. And for me, I was like, oh my gosh, how did I even think. Or even. Um, bare to think that this was going to actually turned out well. Like who do, who do I think I am, right? Like all these questions start coming into play.
- [00:14:58] Wendi: And then you start like [00:15:00] self blaming on decisions that you’ve made. Because we’re trying to change a circumstance and thinking that the circumstance. Is, what’s bringing us a disappointment, but it’s really more so the expectation that we had, and we don’t know how to deal with the reality. When it comes because of the expectation that we’re so focused on. And so if, and I’m not saying don’t have expectations here, what I’m saying and offering you is to pay attention to your expectations because here’s the thing.
- [00:15:30] Wendi: Our minds want easy. Our minds want effortless. Our minds on pleasure. That’s simply all our mind wants. And so when our minds offer us, okay, this is going to turn out so easy. It’s going to be, you’re going to get this done fast and it’s just going to come like second nature.
- [00:15:51] Wendi: And then the reality hits in or life happens. Right. Plants start changing. And so now. We’re in this situation where we’re [00:16:00] like, oh my gosh, this is not the expectation that I had. In, why am I. Um, You know, so conflicted on actually making this expectation. Happen. And then you find so many reasons. Again, your mind gives you so many reasons on why you’re not the right one to work on this business while you’re not the right one to get out of the military while you’re not the right one to stay in the military where you’re not the right one to get married, or you’re not the right one to be a mother while you’re not the right one to work on this degree to work on this business, this investment, whatever it is, this weight loss journey.
- [00:16:34] Wendi: Because you are so sucked into the disappointment and the discouragement. That you forgot. That all it was at the very beginning. It was an expectation that you had of yourself and of that call. When you can now. Really just focus on, okay. This is the expectation that I did have. I wanted to lose 30 pounds and 90 days.
- [00:16:54] Wendi: But here’s the reality. I only lost 10. Okay. So now how do I go [00:17:00] from feeling this discouragement and disappointment or whatever that negative emotion is? How do I know? How do I now balance. The negative and the positive, because here’s the negative, right? You’re disappointed that you didn’t meet your expectation, but here’s a positive, you lost 10 pounds.
- [00:17:15] Wendi: So you only have 20 pounds to go, right. And I’m just giving you this one example. Or the other example of you having this amazing career in the military, because you’re like, this is what I want to do and I want to go active duty. And this is what I have for the rest of my life. And I’m going all in on this commitment.
- [00:17:33] Wendi: But now. Your reality hits and now. The, um, this whole career that you had planned and expected and had high expectations on isn’t being met. And you’re like, I want out. Or I can’t deal with this anymore. And you’re spiraling every single day because you do not know how to deal one with this negative emotion in to how to balance a positive and the negative, right? Like there’s so many good things that come out of you.
- [00:17:59] Wendi: Being in this [00:18:00] position, being in this opportunity, being active duty, so many opportunities. So many, like, so much experience that you have no idea, like you are given this gift of opportunity of being in charge, being a leader. Being in this environment that later you’re going to think you’re your past self. And like, I’ll thank you for holding on and actually pushing through because.
- [00:18:21] Wendi: And Ken, it’s the positive, so many great things you can take out of that one experience or that one goal, that one desire that you had. And so I want to offer you today to really take a moment. And really ask yourself. Am I discouraged because of the expectation I’ve been focused so much on the expectation that I had for this one thing.
- [00:18:41] Wendi: And, or not dealing with that negative emotion, not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to respond to this. Uh, actual disappointment and instead of responding, you’re reacting or discouragement and you’re reacting, you’re like, I want out, I just want to not think about it, or I just want out of the military, or I just [00:19:00] don’t want to focus on a weight at all whatsoever.
- [00:19:03] Wendi: Because you are not focusing on. Both the good and I mean the, not the good, sorry. The positive and negative emotion. And so what I want you to ask yourself is how do I make this better? A better experience without changing the circumstance or the situation. So for example, Let’s say you’re on the weight loss journey. Right. And like I said, you only lost 10 instead of 30.
- [00:19:26] Wendi: And so now what do we do? Okay, let’s fill this disappointed let’s for this point in. Let’s point out why we’re disappointed. And then when you feel the disappointment and have some grace for yourself, because it’s okay. We’re humans. We’re not perfect. Then you can move into. Okay. How can I feel neutral about what’s happening?
- [00:19:45] Wendi: There’s. Good things that came out of this experience these 90 days, and then there’s negative. Things that happened. And honestly, Really don’t know how many more negative you have than positive. I think it’s more positive and [00:20:00] negative, right? And so then when you identify that. You then want to move into. Okay. So how do I improve?
- [00:20:07] Wendi: This journey, how do I improve this journey? What changes do I need to make? You know what what’s working, what’s not working. And, you know, do I need to now seek out more help or do I need to, you know, make an appointment or whatever the steps may be. But you see how now when you have an open-mind on. Okay. This is the reality, and this was my expectation.
- [00:20:29] Wendi: I need to meet myself. Halfway, and I need to balance both negative and the positive emotion. Because, I mean, you should be celebrating 10 pounds is 10 pounds, right? You should be celebrating. If you’re like, Hey. I don’t like my job right now in the military. I’m going through a lot with my chain of command or I’m going through a lot with this position.
- [00:20:47] Wendi: But at the end of the day, How do I make this journey and experience better? Do I need to talk to my supervisor. Do I need to, um, you know, [00:21:00] Seek a mentor, whatever it may be. And identify what is so great about that experience? All the positive emotions. You know, you’ve met new people. You’ve learned different things.
- [00:21:12] Wendi: You are in this journey of. Understanding what leadership is, whatever it might be for you. It could be as simple as you’re making an impact every single day. Because you are serving this country. It could be that simple. And so that’s what I want you to focus on instead of focusing on not meeting this expectation, because reality hit.
- [00:21:31] Wendi: And now you’re disappointed and discouraged, and you’re in this cycle that doesn’t end because it’s not only happening in this area of your life. It’s also happening in another area of your life. Maybe as a wife, a significant other, a mother, a friend, a daughter, Uh, business owner or whatever it may be.
- [00:21:48] Wendi: We will always be in this cycle. And I don’t know why people think that, oh, even though, you know, my goals aren’t that high or my goals are very achievable because I’m a realist or [00:22:00] whatever it may be. There are still. Things our minds offer us when it comes to expectation and our minds will react.
- [00:22:09] Wendi: When that expectation isn’t met. That’s just the way our mind works. And so now that’s what I’m offering you today to really pay attention on how you are not only. Um, allowing your mind to think, but also managing what’s coming in, right? Like what. Self-talk are you conversations? Are you having.
- [00:22:29] Wendi: Are you beating yourself up constantly or are you continuously. Making sure that you don’t. Use that against you. Yes, we don’t meet our expectations. 90% of the time. Yes, we don’t. Operate in a perfect manner.
- [00:22:46] Wendi: And so now what do I do? How can I do my part? With being intentional and being present for these moments. And so that’s what I want to offer you and really just pay close attention. On how you’re feeling [00:23:00] on, you know, regarding different things and how you’re responding. Too. The expectations that you’ve had.
- [00:23:07] Wendi: Based on how life. Is hitting you or how reality is really hitting you and how the outcomes are. Right? Because we can’t take away from reality from the facts.
- [00:23:19] Wendi: And so I want to offer you today to take a moment and do this exercise and really ask yourself, how do I make it better without changing the circumstance? Because what you’re doing here is building this skill. Of how do I get up when I fall down in a way that it’s very minimal. And it’s not requiring too much of your energy or effort.
- [00:23:41] Wendi: And allowing yourself. To also experience a negative emotion without running away from it without trying to change. That emotion right away. And also without trying to change the circumstance
- [00:23:53] Wendi: all right, ladies, that’s all that I have for you today. I hope that you have a blessed rest of your week. Talk to you soon [00:24:00] bye