Episode 133: Why do we focus on doing things the “right way”?

September 28, 2022

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Hey lady, 

In today’s episode, I give you the reason why we tend to focus so much on doing things “right.  

I pray this episode blesses you!

Much love, 


[00:00:56] Wendi: Hello ladies. And welcome to episode [00:01:00] 133. I hope that you are doing well. Um, I’m doing well. I am doing a lot better. I want to say. Um, mentally I am staying or focused on. Not only, you know, the things that are really important right now. Not only my family, but also, you know, the day-to-day things that I know I need to be focused on. Like my kids, my husband.

[00:01:27] Wendi: Um, and like their daily routine. And not to mention, of course, the day to day. You know of. What I can do to help my parents as well. So, I hope that you are doing well and whatever season That you are right where you need to be. And sometimes we think that we could be further along or that we should be doing something else. And.

[00:01:51] Wendi: You know, I want to offer that to wherever you are now. That’s right where you need to be. And it’s okay if you’re not further along or if you’re not, what do you think you should be? [00:02:00] Because again, we are all human and there’s always things that come up and. You know, life will keep going. And that’s kinda like what I want to talk about today. Um, you know,

[00:02:12] Wendi: Sometimes. We think that we’re not doing something correctly or we doubt things that we are doing correctly. Really start to wonder if we’re doing. This one thing correctly or right. And it really just boils down to being afraid of failing. That’s really what it is. And for me, it’s come up in several different ways.

[00:02:38] Wendi: Um, not only with, you know, how I’m doing or how I’m dealing with grief or how I’m, you know, dealing with grief, walk pregnant, how I am, you know, dealing with all my emotions. While pregnant while, you know, trying to make sure that the kids are still doing what they need to be doing, making sure that my husband’s taken [00:03:00] care of as well, that we’re still communicating and.

[00:03:03] Wendi: You know, I am so showing up as this. Individual that I want to be prison that asks right. And. Not only that, but also continuing to stay in the word, continuing to say, focused on. You know what God wants me to focus on, even though it’s hard. And so what I’ve been thinking about lately, um, or at least within the last couple of days here is, you know,

[00:03:30] Wendi: Why am I so focused on wanting to do with this process or go through this process the right way? When I don’t know what the right way is, and nobody knows what the right way is. Being, um, that every situation and circumstance will be different. And also being that. The circumstance is not necessarily what is going to create that emotion that I am wanting. Right.

[00:03:58] Wendi: And by that, I mean, [00:04:00] even if let’s say I am doing it correctly, let’s say I am grieving the way I need to be grieving and, you know, while pregnant and, you know, having two kids in grade school that are both playing sports and. Both wanting my attention every single moment. Um, and then, you know, my husband, that’s also there. That is, you

[00:04:21] Wendi: He knows that there’s a lots going on in my mind, but at the same time, He also wants attention in a way where it’s, you know, from a place You know, love in place of caring and kindness Just regular day to day. And of course there’s, you know, friends and everybody else that checks in and you know, everything else going on. So it’s like, how do I handle and deal?

[00:04:43] Wendi: With all of this and at the same time, still figure that I’m doing this correctly. Right? Like that’s one of the questions that keep coming up for me. Because of how I’ve dealt with things. In the past. So, you know, being ahead on [00:05:00] Um, you know, being proactive about certain things that I know will be coming up and I prepare and I plan and I, you know, um, develop and then I implement and then I execute.

[00:05:12] Wendi: You know, Am I. Okay with letting that go. Right. Am I okay with giving myself grace? I talked about that in the previous episode. And the answer is yes, but there is this part of our brain that I’ve talked about before. And I’ll continue to talk about because. We tend to forget that there’s this part of our brain.

[00:05:34] Wendi: That wants to protect us. That wants us to make sure that when do you do not fail? When do you not get hurt? When do you do not? You know, go into any type of danger because it will affect you. And it will be painful. Right. And so I want to offer this topic of, you know, are you in a place right now?

[00:05:56] Wendi: Regardless of what you’re going through or what is going on in your life. [00:06:00] Are you in a place where you feel. That you are constantly questioning if you’re doing something If you’re doing it, the quote unquote right Because if you are, let’s say you’re going through a transition. Let’s say you’re starting a new dating, um, you know, opportunity or, you know, dating app or you’re like, okay, I’m going to start dating.

[00:06:25] Wendi: But then you’re like, am I doing this correctly? Is this the way I’m supposed to be doing it? Or maybe you’re trying to start a family or maybe you’re just relocating. Or starting a new job or new career you’re pivoting, you’re starting a new business. You’re starting something new. And you’re questioning, am I doing this?

[00:06:41] Wendi: Correctly. Am I doing it the right way. If you are, and maybe you’re doing it in a different way, right? Maybe you’re not asking that specific question. But maybe you are not taking action because you’re waiting for the right way or the right process. [00:07:00] The correct way for you to do it. And if that’s the case,

[00:07:04] Wendi: Then what really is happening. Is your mind is just protecting you because you do not want to fail. You do not want to.

[00:07:13] Wendi: Going to something and it turned out that it didn’t go the quote unquote right way. And, you know, everything goes south or everything goes wrong and now you failed. That’s what our brain tries to do. And that’s what I’ve been noticing, because I like to. Sit down and just. Notice. What is happening, like why I’m thinking certain, certain things.

[00:07:37] Wendi: That are coming up from me. And a lot of it happens in the shower. Or, you know, when I’m getting ready or when I’m on my way to get my coffee in the morning, like, because I’m driving. And typically that’s when I, you know, use my time. To just, you know, not listen to anything. I literally just drive.

[00:07:56] Wendi: And I will either pray. Um, if I didn’t pray my office that morning, [00:08:00] or I would just be in silence and then just kind of like observe what’s going on in my mind, like, For the most part I’ll think about like, what’s happening. You know, maybe, you know, there’s an appointment that I need to pay attention to. What’s happening that day.

[00:08:14] Wendi: You know, things that just come up, maybe a tramp, something. Maybe there was something that stood out to one of the conversations that I have the previous day. There’s always something going on in our minds. And so like that is a time that I like pay attention and I’m okay. Why am I thinking about this?

[00:08:28] Wendi: How is this important? Do I need to hold onto this or do I need to let it go? And so what I’ve been thinking. About is a lot of it has been coming from. How do I do this in a way where it’s going to serve me? As if there is a way. Out there somewhere, a process, a checklist that I need to be following.

[00:08:51] Wendi: In order for me to do it correctly, like I said earlier, right? Like, how do I deal with this? You know, is me crying every day. Okay. Or [00:09:00] is me not talking to my kids about it. Okay. Like, what do I need to do? And you know, how much crying should I do because I’m pregnant and, you know, should I be sad, you know, for certain amount of time, should I just allow my emotions in the morning?

[00:09:12] Wendi: Should I just be able to feel these emotions when they come up or should I just, you know, focus on work and focus on. Things that I could be planning, you know, for after For some of the things that I haven’t really closed the loop on. Um, when is it a good time to come back in full swing of things? When it comes to coaching, you know, all these questions have been coming up, but then what it really boils down to, and I didn’t really, you know, paying close attention.

[00:09:38] Wendi: Is that I just don’t want to fail. Anything that’s pretty much a routine in my life. I don’t want to stop thinking about, um, my day to day stuff with the kids. Like, I don’t want to stop thinking about. Or, you know, dropping the ball on something. That involves, you know, the kid’s education You know, um, [00:10:00] their sports or, you know, miss a deadline.

[00:10:03] Wendi: Um, you know, making sure that they still get the attention that they need. I don’t want to drop the ball on, you know, my coaching. I don’t want to drop the ball on the nonprofit that I’m helping out with. I don’t want to drop the ball with my book club. Like, oh, I should be. Really looking into books, or I don’t want to drop the ball on, you know,

[00:10:22] Wendi: Being as prepared as possible for the birth of my baby. Like, what is it that I could be preparing for? So like part of my brain is like, okay, How do we do it correctly so that we don’t drop the ball? And for the most part, again, it golden to me being afraid of. Failing dropping something and not.

[00:10:41] Wendi: I’m giving it my attention, but at the end of the day, I’m like, okay. It all boils down to me. Realizing that I’m human. I can’t do it I can’t do it. All right now. And here’s the other part of that. I don’t want to either, like, there’s this part of [00:11:00] me that I’m like, I really just want to stop. This process with this, you know, like within, um,

[00:11:09] Wendi: This part of, or this bucket of my life, right? Like for example, the book club. I don’t want to research any books right now. I just don’t feel like, and I’m like, I’m okay. With not thinking about what books we’re going to read next year. With a nonprofit, like my, um, partner. That is the pretty much the founder of the nonprofit.

[00:11:31] Wendi: She’s like, Hey, like, I don’t want you focusing on it now I’ll do whatever you need to do. And so But a part of me is like, no, like I want to help. And I’m like, no, I really don’t. And it’s not in a way, like in a negative way, but in a way where I’m like, I am not going to be helping. No one. In a way that I’m showing up. So yes. Please take this

[00:11:57] Wendi: Uh, or my part. Because I’m like the [00:12:00] HR person take my part. And, you know, thank you for taking And you know, of course I’ll come back to it when I’m ready. But at the same time, I’m like, oh my gosh, what if like, She doesn’t want me there anymore. I know, like what if I’m you don’t feeling this.

[00:12:18] Wendi: You know these students because we help students. And, you know, part of me is like, I don’t want to fail on that part, but then I have to remind myself. I’m a human being. I can. Literally not handle all of it, like I used to right now. And it’s completely okay. And so. Going into this idea, right. That we can handle it all or go into like all or nothing thinking like we can do it all, or I just don’t want to do nothing.

[00:12:47] Wendi: I know some of you, because I know I’ve been in this situation before where I’m like, okay, I can’t do it all. But at the same time, I want to do nothing at all either because I’ve had those days where I’m like, Nope, I don’t want to focus on work. I don’t want to focus on anything. I just want to like, sit here. [00:13:00]

[00:13:00] Wendi: And nothing’s bought anything, but. Here’s where I’m at now. I’m like, okay. I’m definitely seeing in the I want to do the things that I know I am capable in, willing to do. From a place of love and from a place of grace. Because really that’s all it is like we want to sometimes do so, so much or do too much.

[00:13:23] Wendi: That we forget that we’re human. Like only God can do everything. And within his power, we don’t have that power. And so I want to remind you that. If you’re questioning or you’re like not taking action or you’re not seeing any progress on this one thing that you’ve been like so focused on, you want to be honest with yourself.

[00:13:43] Wendi: And really just want acknowledge that.

[00:13:48] Wendi: You probably do not want to do it as much as you think you want to, because you think that by you doing it is going to create this positive emotion or it is going to create this like emotion that you are [00:14:00] yearning for. When that’s not the truth. So like, If let’s say you’re like, okay, I want to start dating because I’m going to be so filled and so happy.

[00:14:10] Wendi: And when I find the right one, I’m just going to be happily ever after. That’s not true. There will still be positive and negative emotions. There will still be 50% suck and 50% greatness or happiness. And that’s what I want offer today. Like, You thinking that because you do or you get this thing done.

[00:14:30] Wendi: Is not going to create that positive emotion for you. And that’s where I realized that I’m okay. Why am I so afraid of failing? I was like, oh, I don’t want to Like a failure. I don’t want to feel like I dropped the ball. Like I’m not the mom that I want to be the wife, the friend. The coworker. The coach.

[00:14:50] Wendi: Like, I don’t want to feel. That negative part. Over the emotions pretty much. I don’t want to feel that I don’t want to feel the pain of [00:15:00] like, or the negative feeling of not being enough. And then I’m like, wait a minute. That’s not I’m okay with. Being okay. That I’m not. This person that can do it all.

[00:15:16] Wendi: When, you know, I’m going through this like really painful moment of my life. I’m okay with that. But I had to literally bring that awareness. After realizing that I was trying really hard, not to feel that way, not to go through that negative emotion. And so that may be something that you’re going through unconsciously, right. And you may be thinking, well, I need to really do six classes so that I can graduate this year.

[00:15:40] Wendi: And get my bachelor’s degree. Or get the certification or get this license because I want to prove that I am. You know, worthy of XYZ. Or I want to start dating because I want to get married and be worthy of being the quote-unquote wife or that whatever the title may be or want to get promoted, or I want

[00:15:59] Wendi: [00:16:00] You know, do whatever, you know, fastest time. Or, you know, whatever it may be for you, whatever that goal is or whatever. That thing that you think that is going to get you that positive emotion? When in reality, you’re just trying to avoid the negative feeling. And so what is it for you? What is it that you are thinking that okay.

[00:16:22] Wendi: If I don’t, or I’m not able to do all of these things or do this one thing. It’s going to, you know, you’re going to make it mean something about you. And I want to offer that today. That it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s okay. If you are afraid, if you’re scared of failing, if you’re scared You are not that like number one, mom or that like,

[00:16:43] Wendi: Number one wife or wifey of the year, or, you know, employee of the month or, or soldier of the year, whatever it may look like for you. Or, you know, the best friend that goes above and beyond, because sometimes we have a problem with that too. You know, where you [00:17:00] try to like be the best friend and say yes to everything. Not realizing that you’re not taking care of you either.

[00:17:07] Wendi: And so, you know, of course, I want to encourage you to pray about it. I want to encourage you to also. Be clear that you are not. Someone that can be in a different places at the same time. Or do I do it all? When you think that you can, or, um, when you know that you aren’t capable of, like right now, I know physically and mentally.

[00:17:31] Wendi: I’m just not able to focus as much as I would like, or as much as I’ve used Because there’s a lot of things going on in my mind. And there are a lot of times that I have to stop completely what I’m doing, what I’m, you know, working on. To just take a moment and deal with whatever I need to

[00:17:52] Wendi: Or better yet? I take a moment because I can’t even manage what’s going on in my [00:18:00] mind. Without having to stop. And, you know, pray. Or just. Talk to God and be like, okay, can you please help me see. You know, what is it that I need to focus on right now? Can you please guide me? Do I need to pick up the phone and call someone? Do I need to share this with someone?

[00:18:17] Wendi: What do I need to do? And again also to physically like, I’m tired. Like I’m just tired and it’s okay. I’m okay with me

[00:18:27] Wendi: Before I would’ve told you. No, I’m not okay with me and tired. I need to go for a walk. I need to go do this and need to go do that and make sure that everything’s ready for me to go into, into But today in this moment, I’m like, it’s completely okay. I am completely fine because whatever that thing is that I need to do is not defining me, whatever, that thing that I think I’m going to drop the ball on or yeah. Drop the ball

[00:18:51] Wendi: It’s not going to define me either in a negative It’s just something that happens, right? Like, We’re human. I’m not perfect. And yeah, I’m not going to be mumbled a year. I’m [00:19:00] not going to be wife of the year. I’m not going to be the coach But at the end of the day, I know. That by God’s grace, I’m taking a step.

[00:19:10] Wendi: Not only ahead or, you know, taking a step each day. Because I am grateful of everything. That is around me, even the things that like. Aren’t going well. I’m like, thank you, Lord, for still blessing me today. Thank you for showing me that I’m a perfect, thank you Lord, for reminding me that it’s only by your grace, that I’m getting through

[00:19:33] Wendi: It’s only by your mercy, that I am able to do the things that I think I need to be doing. And it’s completely okay. And I’m willing to feel this lake. Heaviness on my chest. I’m like, okay, you’re not. Where you want to be? It’s okay. But at the end of the day, There’s going to have to be this positive and negative emotion coming up. And I think that we sometimes don’t completely [00:20:00] understand it because we think that we need to be doing and enjoying.

[00:20:03] Wendi: Every single moment in a way where we’re not filling, um, you know, uh, frustrated or we’re not feeling overwhelmed. Or stressed out. It’s going to happen, right. There are some days I’m just so frustrated. That I wish I could just literally teleport somewhere. Teleport to my parents’ home. Teleport to.

[00:20:27] Wendi: Um, this other location where I could be by myself and just take in all the neg the negative emotions and process them. At one time, instead of having to stop every like two hours. You know, like just feel my emotions and then I’m okay. Now I have to get back to whatever I was focused on. And then again, taking my, um, focus away from

[00:20:53] Wendi: And dealing with the negative emotion. Again, it’s not going to happen. That’s something that I already have dealt with and [00:21:00] accepted. I’m like, It’s okay. Today, we’re going to have a great Maybe the afternoon. It’ll be painful. Maybe the afternoon, I’ll be crying. Maybe the afternoon. I’ll be frustrated. Completely. Okay.

[00:21:12] Wendi: So I want to offer you today too.

[00:21:16] Wendi: Not necessarily not focused on what you’re, what needs to be done. Right. But really focus on what you can in are capable and are willing to do. In a way where. It’s. Coming from a place. Of acceptance, a place of love, a place of kindness. Gentleness.

[00:21:39] Wendi: Because here’s the thing. Eventually we’re going to fail at something. Eventually we’re going to get a negative emotion. And it’s completely okay for you to The question should be, are you okay? With actually filling. In allowing that emotion, that negative emotion. Because if you are. Then just [00:22:00] feel

[00:22:00] Wendi: Just accept And it may be time where, you know, it’s a place of weakness. Where. You get to spend some time with God and you pray about it.

[00:22:12] Wendi: And you just allow yourself to be this imperfect human that

[00:22:18] Wendi: Because at the end of the day, we are not We can’t handle it all. We can’t pretend that we are this individual that can, you know, do this thing without having to drop the ball or something. That’s just what it is. And so I’ll offer you today to really pay attention to. Not only what you’re thinking, but also, you know, if you aren’t.

[00:22:44] Wendi: Making any progress or if you’re like, Hey, you know, why do I keep doubting or questioning? This one thing, if I’m doing it correctly. I may need, because you’re scared of failing. You’re scared of not doing it. Quote unquote, correctly. And, and then you make it mean something [00:23:00] about you. And that’s not the truth.

[00:23:03] Wendi: All right, ladies, uh, hope and pray that this helps you in that you feel encouraged not only to pray and to spend time with God, but also. To continue to allow those negative emotions are gonna come up because we’re meant to be on this earth. And in live this imperfect life so that we can continue to see God. All right. Have a beautiful rest of your week. Talk to you soon.