[00:00:00] Wendi: hello ladies. And welcome to episode 165. [00:01:00] Today’s episode is going to go a little different. And if you were tuning in or have tuned into the last episode where I talked about the three ways that you can invest in your mental health and one of them being turf therapy or the other one talking about, um, counseling and the last one coaching.

[00:01:19] Wendi: I want to not only dig a little deeper on the example or using my own life example, experiences. And also a little bit of others that I’ve, um, come across either through my clients or even just to, through other coaches as well. That are, you know, that specify or our specialty in. You know, um, couples therapy, counseling, or even just grief counseling. And so for me, I wanted to share with you all. Um, and I mentioned this in a previous episode about the grief that I am going through currently loss grief, and also.

[00:01:54] Wendi: How it has impacted me or how it impacted me as well, coming [00:02:00] from a place of, um, you know, actually going through a loss before and you know, how different they are in also. Um, how maybe different losses have impacted you, right? Because we’ve all. We’re all here or maybe experienced loss at one point over.

[00:02:18] Wendi: Uh, over lives or maybe you haven’t, but maybe you have experience, you know, a little bit of loss, maybe not through a death, but maybe, you know, a relationship, right. Maybe you’re grieving that, that breakup you’re grieving that, um, loss of relationship there. Or maybe you have lost someone, right? Like you’ve actually, um, you know, lost someone through death. And so for me, for those of you that do not know me, or have not listened to this episode,

[00:02:43] Wendi: That episode, that I’m Lincoln here in the show notes is the episode. Where I share my miscarriage at 20 weeks. Um, I share it on. The, um, podcast called women of the military. And [00:03:00] that’s where I shared with, um,

[00:03:05] Wendi: Amanda Huffman. Sorry. I just kind of like. Had like a brain fart here with Amanda Huffman on, you know, the struggles and the challenges that I not only had what I was serving, you know, the impact that that miscarriage had on me. Um, not because, you know, um, It’s something that one I didn’t expect. Right. That’s something that it never crossed my mind.

[00:03:29] Wendi: But also, you know, how it really messed with me mentally and emotionally, especially not knowing how to deal with that at that moment. Like not knowing anything about. Emotions and how my mind works and how, you know, um, you know, Also understanding how important my, my faith, the foundation of my faith was at that, you know, at that moment or how important it could have been at that moment, because at the time I was also struggling.

[00:03:58] Wendi: You know, with my faith. So [00:04:00] I, you know, talk about that on her podcast. And again, it’s, the podcast is called a women of the military podcast and that’s what Amanda Hoffman and I will link that episode here for those of you that have possibly gone through a miscarriage and. You know, especially when you are now sharing with the world, right. You’re 20 weeks.

[00:04:20] Wendi: And, you know, you’re super excited about having this other little human being and you know, all of a sudden things turn, and now there isn’t anything else to do then, you know, go through the process of. You know, grieving and having to show up and talk about it and so on and so forth. And so I talk about that.

[00:04:40] Wendi: And in that podcast, I really, you know, hope that you are able to listen to that after this podcast, or if you would like to The podcast now and go there and check it out. And so the reason I’m bringing that up is because one, ironically it’s been exactly a year ago. From when this podcast. Um, actually [00:05:00] publishes.

[00:05:00] Wendi: And so again, it’s just, you know, the way I talk about that miscarriage on how I grieved and how I dealt with it. It’s completely different of how I’m grieving now in the process that I’m pretty much going through with, with the loss of my little sister. And again, it’s just, I’m in a different place and it’s just difficult to really describe this step-by-step because there isn’t really a step by step or a process or a right way to do things.

[00:05:30] Wendi: And so I wanted it to be very clear here today that what I’m offering today or what I’m sharing. I am not saying that this is something that you need to do, or this is the way, or this is the right way. All I’m doing today is sharing my experience. And the way I’m dealing with it personally. So everyone deals with, you know, loss and grief in different ways. And so what I want to do today is just to kind of give, you know, a retrospect on how I’ve been dealing with them differently. And, you know, as I [00:06:00] should, right. Because there are different experiences.

[00:06:02] Wendi: And not only that, but also how much of Carone in the time being, because. It is almost a 10-year difference. And so again, you know, not only am I more aware of how my mind works home, Emotionally. You know, my, my own body works or how I process emotions. And how I, you know, avoid or resist. Or even, you know, sometimes try to like, not even, um, or completely.

[00:06:31] Wendi: Disengaged from them. So. Again, I want to share that experience with you because either you may be on the same boat or maybe you haven’t even dealt with it at all. And it’s something that you may want to consider to do. Because again, not only it’s, you know, we’re focusing on mental health awareness, but also it’s very important for you to catch on to things like this. If you haven’t already.

[00:06:51] Wendi: You know, for the people in your team or maybe your loved ones, right? Maybe. Who didn’t go through law specifically, but maybe your spouse did, or maybe, you know, a [00:07:00] family member did. And so again, I just want to share kind of like what that would look like or how it has been looking like for me,

[00:07:08] Wendi: And also understanding that every loss is going to be different and it’s completely okay. And so the first thing. You know, I want to say too, is that. You know, looking back. You know, there’s so many ways I could have dealt with this. Um, at the beginning and it kind of like where I’m at now, but I’m just really grateful that I am in a place or wasn’t a place.

[00:07:33] Wendi: Um, where I was at the moment, because I don’t think it would have, um, Again, I have no idea how it turned out, but again, God is good and he’s always providing, and I’m just really thankful that I am. I have the relationship that I have with him now, because I think it would have been. Really, really bad if I did it. And so today I want to.

[00:07:54] Wendi: Not only to share my experience, but also show with you versus that have been encouraging me and helping me. Get through [00:08:00] this kind of like this, like. I don’t even want to call it like a, um, like a, a phase of my life where I still have a hard time believing that is happening. Or the has happened. And so not sure where you are, you know, with your loss or your grief.

[00:08:18] Wendi: But I do want to offer that it’s normal and it’s okay for you to feel how you’re feeling, you know, Um, for example, You know, at the very beginning, I was like, I was completely, I felt like lost for a moment. I felt like I was understanding and still processing what they were telling me had happened. Like how it happened.

[00:08:39] Wendi: Um, you know, how they weren’t able to, you know, bring her back to life, but then the. The other part of my brain was like, But everything was fine. There was everything was going as planned. Like how the doctors told us about. Um, you know, the, the stages she was in with her chemotherapy and, you know, it was just [00:09:00] very sudden. And so part of my brain was like, I believe that this has happened. This is a fact.

[00:09:07] Wendi: That then the other part of my brain was like, this can’t be happening. And it’s like, my brain was catching up. With how to process what was happening. But on the other part of that, or the other side of that. Was now, how am I going to be the strong one? How am I going to be there for my parents? Because I am pretty much the.

[00:09:30] Wendi: The oldest. You know of. Of. The children that my parents have together. I do have an older sister. Um, but again, she, we didn’t grow up together. And so. For me, it was me taking on this burden of how do I now function with, um, me having to do everything right. And not to mention I was expecting, I was.

[00:09:57] Wendi: Um, let’s say I was due in October and this happened in August. I was like very [00:10:00] close, like seven, eight months in. And so I wanted to process what was happening. I wanted to help my parents. I wanted to be there for my parents. I want it to be there for me and my kids and you know, my baby. And so there was so much going on that.

[00:10:17] Wendi: Now thinking back again. I don’t think any of this would have been possible without God asking God for the shrink. Like I literally. Ask God, every single moment after I got the news to please just guide me, just please lead me into what you want me to do at this moment. And it was very hard. Like I’m not going to lie. It was.

[00:10:37] Wendi: The hardest experience, because again, I w I wanted it to be there. Mentally emotionally. Physically for my parents, because in that moment I felt like I was the, the person. That needed to deal with everything. Um, you know, when it came to the funeral, when it came to the arrangements, when it came to what’s the next step.

[00:10:57] Wendi: And so for those of you, right, that [00:11:00] are very similar in thinking which most of us our own were in the military is okay, what’s the next step? What do we do next? And what are the other tasks that come along with that next step? And so for me, it was okay, this is the next step. Now I have to do with.

[00:11:16] Wendi: X Y Z on my end. And also I need to do XYZ on this end and then not to mention, you know, we’re a hundred miles away. So it was just at that moment, it didn’t feel like a lot, but looking back, I’m like, oh, wow. Like I actually had to, you know, being communication here. I mean communication there and translating and all of these other things. Right. That’s another bonus as being first generation American is.

[00:11:43] Wendi: Being there for your parents, not only with the language barrier, but also understanding that there’s, you know, a culture that is being taken. Or taking part in as well. Um, because my parents are not from here. They weren’t born here. They are. From Guatemala. So the way they do things is differently than [00:12:00] how things are done here. And so kind of understanding that, and again, this is last minute things that no one expected to happen, right? Like everything was going well.

[00:12:10] Wendi: And so again, all of this is happening. And then in the back of my mind, I’m still questioning like, why is this happening? Like, Lord, why is this happening to me now? Like, this is not the right time. Like I’m continuing to kind of like. Process what’s happening, but also keeping in mind that I don’t want this to be happening. Right. Like, God, how, how could you be doing this to us right now? Like, this is not fair to us. Like questioning him and.

[00:12:32] Wendi: Just all these things that are human nature and. Orally. Human flesh deciders. You know, like why now this is not the right time. Like we know that this isn’t the right time, according to my brain. Right. But knowing that. And trusting that God knows. The right timing that God knows. What he’s doing is better than what we think is better. And, you know, it’s crazy like [00:13:00] going back and thinking about it because there was so many changes going on in my life. So many.

[00:13:04] Wendi: Um, from changing different positions, changing different teams on my nine to five. From, you know, just having all these other plans that I already had and you know, all these other things that were w were already kind of like in my mind, you know, a good plan in a set plan. To all of a sudden, you know, just not only go through a huge like life-changing event.

[00:13:32] Wendi: But to also have the time to actually grieve and mourn the loss of my baby sister. Right? Like she was only 15 and I’m like, This can’t be happening. Right. So I was going back and forth like the cognitive dissonance of no, like this is happening, but then I was like, no, it can’t be happening. This isn’t real.

[00:13:53] Wendi: And so again, I thankfully again, God is really good and he is [00:14:00] always good. And it’s just a matter of us. Really taking the time to spend time with him. And really understanding that. You know, it’s not going to be our way. It’s going to be his way, because his way is better than our way. And so for me, you know, I immediately, um, thankfully reached out to my best friends, you know, back in Florida, to my best friend here in North Carolina and my friend here, she is not only a.

[00:14:25] Wendi: A woman of God. Jesus Christ follower, but also she understands, she understands the importance of mental health and she immediately was like, listen, I don’t know exactly what you’re going through. But I want you to know that I’m here. And that I love you and that God loves you. And so like at that moment, I was like, oh my gosh, like, thank you for those words, because.

[00:14:53] Wendi: It’s very difficult to snap out of it when there’s so many things going. On at the same time. [00:15:00] And so. When she said that it literally took me back. To win. I didn’t know one about how to process my emotions. And then to my relationship with God, when I had my miscarriage. And so those same struggles and challenges, or pretty much happening.

[00:15:21] Wendi: When, you know, All of this, went down, back in August. And I didn’t realize that it was very, very similar, but at the same, very different. And so what I did, I took a moment I’m like, okay, I need to stop. What I’m doing. And just take a second because I honestly do not remember. Like I know I got like on a plane that same evening.

[00:15:43] Wendi: But I don’t remember the whole time I was in a plane. I kind of felt like I was daydreaming the whole time. Well what’s happening. I think my body was trying to allow, but I was trying not to like allow my body to. Really allow those emotions [00:16:00] because I wasn’t crying. Typically I cry. I’m a crier. Like I cry when I’m happy and I’m crying when, you know, when I’m excited or, you know, I’m anxious. And like, that’s just what I do.

[00:16:12] Wendi: Or when I’m upset, that’s another reason why I cry. So again, I’m a crier. And so for me to be in the plane, not crying, I felt like I wasn’t allowing or processing everything that was happening. I was just literally. Like in a days, and maybe I fell asleep by to not remember. So when I got there. And again, I went into, I need to get things done mode.

[00:16:33] Wendi: And so again, I wasn’t, I wasn’t crying as much as I expected for me to be crying. So when my, my friend told me that I was okay, I really need to focus on me as well and pregnant. I need to, and again, right. I’m pregnant. So of course I need to be crying. Like that’s what a pregnant woman do. We cry. And so.

[00:16:52] Wendi: In that moment. I was like, why am I not crying? So I literally, after I, you know, hugged my mom and everything, I that’s, when everything just [00:17:00] float out, I was. I was just that, that was me. I guess my body allowing myself to just process what was really happening. Like. It really hit me and I’m like, okay, this is really happening.

[00:17:13] Wendi: And so again, just not fully understanding why everything was happening. But it was happening. And so, you know, fast forward a couple of days, I’m still kind of like, you know, being there for my parents, being there for the family. And also not to mention, you know, have my family back home. And so again, understanding and being.

[00:17:36] Wendi: In the word I think is really what helped me push through every single day. Like the early days was, was difficult because again, Trying to process what’s happening. Being there for my parents. And also here’s another thing like, and I’m going to talk about this in the next week, the next episode.

[00:17:55] Wendi: Allowing. People to express their [00:18:00] emotions. Even when it sucks, even when it’s a negative emotion, like being there, just holding the space for. The negative sadness, disappointment and discouraged emotions. Like sometimes we try to like, Help other people avoid those emotions. And what I want to offer today. And next week, when I talk about this deeper is.

[00:18:27] Wendi: To not go immediately to say, Hey, don’t feel bad or don’t feel sad. You shouldn’t be crying. You shouldn’t be doing this because. We should be experiencing that negative emotion. Like my mom just lost her child. Of course, she’s going to cry. She’s going to scream. She’s going to do whatever she needs to do.

[00:18:44] Wendi: And it’s the same for you. You just lost someone. You know, maybe you lost this relationship and maybe your friends are like, oh, you shouldn’t be crying over this person. Or you shouldn’t be filling this out over this person. And I want to offer the opposite. I want offer that yes, express yourself, allow your negative emotions to be there. [00:19:00]

[00:19:00] Wendi: And so. By me doing that. And allowing myself to do that. Really helped, not only myself, but also the people around me, because it’s like, okay, she’s crying. She’s you know, talking about this and she’s crying and she’s doing this, or she’s taking some moments, she’s taking some time she’s talking to a counselor or whatever. It may be to a therapist.

[00:19:22] Wendi: And it’s okay. We’re humans. Unfortunately. We’re going to die one day. Unfortunately, we’re going to lose people along the way. And so for me, you know, not only dealing with this and kind of like seeing this. Kind of from a perspective of, okay, how do I deal with this? Right. I not only was in the word, but I was also in therapy and that’s another important thing to do.

[00:19:46] Wendi: Because the reason I decided to take on therapy was because it took me back to that moment. I’m like, okay. I really need it. I need small one because now I’m scared. Again. I’m scared of losing the people that I love again. Because it, [00:20:00] it was with me for a good three years. I’m like, I’m going to lose this person. I’m going to lose this person because I was just in that.

[00:20:06] Wendi: That moment of, um, I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m really scared. And I don’t know what to do with this fear. And so it was again the same thing. I’m not going to know, like I could. You know, Lose this baby. Like, what if I lose my baby? Because I’m really sad. What if you know, this happens and the worst thing kept coming to my mind. Right? Like my anxiety levels were coming up again.

[00:20:26] Wendi: And so again, not only prayer, staying in the word therapy was very helpful. And I want to share with you. You know, and an actual verse or really versus that. Have not only helped me, but really is something that I go back to whenever I’m feeling. You know, like doubt whenever I feel as if I’m alone, because it sometimes feels that way.

[00:20:51] Wendi: And, you know, I want to be reminded because this is why God left us the verses. He wants us to be reminded. And so. One [00:21:00] is, um, in Matthew chapter five, verse four. And this one. Um, I think I got it from one of the devotionals. I can’t remember now, but. I hadn’t seen this verse before. I just never.

[00:21:15] Wendi: Really thought about. You know, disperse. Um, but I I’m pretty sure I’ve got it from a devotional, the grieving devotional that I had. And it’s, um, again, Um, Matthew chapter five, verse four, kind of blesses. Those who mourn for they will be comforted. And yeah, we will be comforted either, you know, through the holy spirit or also through the people around you. And it’s just a matter of you paying attention and being okay with being comforted, because I know some of us are like, I don’t want to be comforted. I just want to push through it.

[00:21:45] Wendi: And I want to offer. That we would need to be comforted. This is the way we get past this. And we push through this as the weight comforting. We want the comforted either. You know, through God’s words, through the holy spirit, [00:22:00] encouraging us, putting people in our way, putting other humans that are going to be able to do that. For me, it was, you know, my husband, he was very.

[00:22:08] Wendi: Supportive with everything, you know, whatever we needed to get done either physically. Um, emotionally, financially. He was there. Um, and then heater is. Um, another one that for me specifically, because of how I am. My personality. I have to be reminded of this. And this is Romans chapter eight, verse 28.

[00:22:32] Wendi: And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him. Who have been called according to his purpose. So being reminded that God knows what’s best for me. God knows what’s best for you. We think that we know what’s best for us as an individual. As an entity, but we do not know God’s plans and he, his plans are better than ours.

[00:22:58] Wendi: And here’s another one that I really, [00:23:00] really recommend that you meditate on. As much as you need to. And this one is Isaiah chapter 40 verse 31. But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like Eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be franked.

[00:23:19] Wendi: God will renew your strength. And I promise you, like, that’s literally what was happening to me. Like, I, I, I was so blessed to have my friends. You know, reach out to me, especially, you know, women of God. They’re like here. Here’s a verse I’m with you. Meditate on this verse. And again, you know, understanding that God is going to set you up to not only.

[00:23:44] Wendi: Have people there for you, but also guide you through those moments because it’s hard. It is really hard. And when, I mean hard, I mean, it’s like emotionally hard, like. When we described like pain, I think we don’t [00:24:00] understand how to describe emotional pain because it’s so. Painful. And in a way where I’m like, why does this hurt so much? You know, even now, like there are days that I’m like,

[00:24:12] Wendi: You know, just, I’ll just literally cry in the shower or I’ll wake up crying because I just, you know, drop them with my little sister or I’m dreaming. That. You know, my parents aren’t doing well and it’s just very, um, It just gets very emotional for me and very painful. And so, you know, I sat down and I’ll probably have an episode on this. And I asked myself like, if I were to describe it,

[00:24:37] Wendi: How would I describe it in the way I could think about describing this was. Just something that’s like pushing at you. And not knowing when it’s going to stop. Like just, it just continues. Without any end. And that’s exactly how I feel like, I feel like this is not going to end, which I’m okay with.

[00:24:59] Wendi: [00:25:00] Because I know that I have a foundation that’s going to keep me not only farm in my faith, but also. I’m going to continue to trust God for what he has in store for us, not only for me, but for my parents. For my family. And how, you know, how he has prepared us for this without us even thinking that he has, but he did.

[00:25:22] Wendi: And so, you know, I just wanted to share with you those. Looks versus because I think that it’s very important that. We stay in our faith. That we get reminded every single time that we have an opportunity to meditate on his word. Because our minds do not understand in that moment when we’re going through loss.

[00:25:42] Wendi: When are we going to heal? When is this going to end? Right? Like, those are the questions that I had. And I want to offer another one that I just remembered. Um, Psalm 1 47, 3. He heals the broken hearted in bandages or wounds. He is the only one that can heal our [00:26:00] hearts. No friend. No parent, no loved one.

[00:26:05] Wendi: No husband, no child. Only God heals the brokenhearted and the in bandages or wounds. So we have to come to him. Because if we don’t. We’re going to continue to have this. Wound. And not be able to heal from. Where we need to be healed from, right? Like everyone has different stages, different ways, different circumstances.

[00:26:33] Wendi: And this is why it’s very important to stay rooted in his word is very important to. Stay in a relationship with him, especially during this time, even when you’re questioning things, because it doesn’t seem right. Sometimes we’re like, okay. Especially for me, I was like, okay, why did this happen?

[00:26:50] Wendi: Turn his time. In my mind, I wasn’t ready. But I think that this. That time was the most ready I could have ever been. [00:27:00] Because one, he had to set me up for this opportunity for work. He had set me up for. You know where I was with my pregnancy.

[00:27:11] Wendi: And setting up my parents where they are. Emotionally. And so again, it’s going to be different for everyone. It’s going to be completely different. There’s no right way. And that’s what I want to offer today. There’s no right way to deal with loss and grief. Uh, loss of relationship, loss of a loved one of a family member. It there’s no way.

[00:27:33] Wendi: That you can have a guide or an actual blueprint on here’s, how to get it done. And get it done correctly. Everyone has their own challenges, own struggles. And so I want to offer you if you know, if it’s a miscarriage, if it’s a loss of a sibling, a loss of a family member. That you will get through it.

[00:27:53] Wendi: And that you will get through it. Not only with God, but also allowing him in. And leaning in on him. [00:28:00] But also taking care of your mental health, because it does affect you. No matter. If you’re a therapist, if you’re a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist. If you’re a coach. You still need to get some type of help.

[00:28:19] Wendi: Uh, resource and if you’re active duty, You have so many resources available, which also by the way, will continue to be on my show notes because. Again, if it wasn’t for that therapist that helped me. Way back when in 2013. I don’t think I would’ve really gotten out of it. I don’t think I would’ve really moved on with my life.

[00:28:40] Wendi: Because I would’ve been stuck on this piece that I no longer had this hole that felt empty. And not to mention kidding. You know, counseling from, you know, a Christian counselor. Her guiding me to the word, her guiding me. [00:29:00] Two. What is true. Especially as believers, especially when no one else can relate to you.

[00:29:09] Wendi: And then, you know, there’s coaching. But you want to be able to know that you’re ready? To keep looking into how you’re going to improve on a certain thing. Right? It could be your relationships. It could be, you know, how to get things done. Whatever it may be. But you want to be able to take care of your mental health.

[00:29:28] Wendi: Because going through loss. Craving is not easy. You can’t do that alone. And so I want to offer you today. If you know, maybe if you lost someone you’ve maybe are in a breakup or you’re going through a divorce or you’re, you’re losing this relationship, maybe is this relationship with your daughter, with your son?

[00:29:46] Wendi: With a sister or sibling.

[00:29:50] Wendi: I want to offer you today that. You can. Not only. Um, Get through this, but also. Get through this with [00:30:00] some help. You can either use, you know, the military one source you can use. Different resources that are out there. That are no cost to you. But I want to offer that this is going to help you.

[00:30:12] Wendi: Improve. With how you’re dealing with it and maybe even help you on, you know, guiding you. On, you know, different sessions or whatever it may look like for you, but it’s so important for you to. Take that step. And, you know, really. Take charge of how you’re going to actually deal with that mentally and emotionally.

[00:30:35] Wendi: And it may be as simple as like leaving the military, right? Like that’s also. I tried a life changing circumstance event. It’s a transition, right? Like how are you going to let that career, that position, that rank go that identity.

[00:30:51] Wendi: And again, there’s counseling. There’s therapists. There’s coaching. You get to decide. You get to decide where are you going to invest your time? [00:31:00] And not only that, but you also have the most important book available. The Bible.

[00:31:05] Wendi: There are so many resources at your local church. Or even on post, if you’re so active duty. So many resources. So I want to offer you today to take a moment. And really ask yourself, is there something that I have craved honor that I’ve lost, that I haven’t really fully grieved or given myself time?

[00:31:23] Wendi: Too. Process that grief. And if the answer is no, I want to offer you to please go and not only check out these resources, but really make an appointment and start moving in the right direction. All right, ladies. I hope that this episode. Not only is encouraging you to really take the time to invest in your mental health, but also to continue to.

[00:31:45] Wendi: Follow the process of, you know, meditating and lots of word meditating. Through prayer. And also through a professional, like specialty. Um, Could probably could be a doctor. A kid, you know, be a therapist. So [00:32:00] with that, I want to also share with you that, you know, I really do appreciate you being here.

[00:32:06] Wendi: Thank you so much for tuning in every single download that I see improved by month. It really just makes my day, because I know that more women are listening and understanding. That our emotional and mental health is very important. And also, you know, allowing us to be in this together because. My hope is that we all know that.

[00:32:30] Wendi: We are not alone and that there’s someone out there that is willing and ready to help us. All right. Have a beautiful rest of your week. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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