Episode 196. Struggle with confidence in your life and career? Learn 3 reasons you struggle with confidence

December 6, 2023

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Has your confidence taken a major hit due to past experiences, perfectionism mentality, or self-centeredness? Let’s navigate this journey together! Our latest conversation unpacks these confidence obstacles and explores practical strategies to overcome them. We put a special emphasis on building resilience and fostering self-belief. You’ll grasp the importance of letting go of past failures and insecurities, recognizing that your individual journey cannot be compared to anyone else’s and understanding that fear of failure and the unknown should not deter you from pursuing your goals.

I want to invite to join me and Service Women Advancement Network (SWAN) to the Empower Her to Excel Virtual Workshop Event on Saturday, December 9th at 6PM ET. 

It will be 60 mins, where you’ll have the opportunity to hear from inspiring leaders who have paved the way for women in the military. Engage in interactive workshops covering various topics relevant to your professional and personal growth. I’m super excited to see you there! 

Next Steps: 

[00:00:00] Wendi: Hey sis, welcome to Beyond the Military Podcast, where faith led military women overcome burnout and create more balance. Just imagine having enough time to focus on your faith, family, and have more fun while still serving as a woman leader. In this podcast, you will walk away with the tools to help you navigate the busy life of a military woman, organize your mind, overcome overwhelm, create a prioritization playbook, and a balanced blueprint for integrating faith, family, and career.

[00:00:28] Wendi: Yes, sis. In that order. Hi, I’m Wendi Wray, a woman of God, wife, mama of two, army veteran, and certified life coach. And I’m here to help you create a life of meaning outside of the military. A life of laughter, joy, and intentional free time. If you are ready to overcome burnout and create balance as a faith led military woman, sis, this podcast is for you.

[00:00:50] Wendi: So loosen up your laces and grab your coffee because it’s time to step into freedom and peace.

[00:00:55] Wendi: Hello ladies and welcome to episode 196. [00:01:00] I’m so happy that you are here. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re enjoying the holidays and just spending time with the family. That’s what’s happening over here and I’m super excited about today’s topic. But before I get into today’s topic, Which is three reasons why we struggle with confidence.

[00:01:18] Wendi: I want to invite you to the Service Women’s Advance Network inaugural event that is happening this Saturday December 9th at 6 p. m. Eastern Standard Time The topic for the event is empowering her to excel. One of the reasons why I love collaborating with the Swan Service Woman Advanced Network is because they are all about empowering.

[00:01:45] Wendi: women in the military, women in the service, and how they can not only continue their careers in the military or even outside of the military, pursuing their dreams and still staying aligned with their values. And you all, when I tell [00:02:00] you that this event is something that you don’t want to miss because one, we’re always focused on serving other people, which is great.

[00:02:10] Wendi: But we forget to take some time to ourselves. We forget that we also have things that we want to continue to grow in, to learn, and to even make progress in, right? I don’t know about you, but For me, when it comes time of the end of the year, there are things that I already start planning for the next year, but also trying to distract myself away from the goals that I’ve set for this year, and maybe I’m not where I want to be, right?

[00:02:34] Wendi: I haven’t made the progress that I want and it’s completely normal. It’s completely okay. We all have different areas of our lives that we possibly didn’t look at throughout the year and now we’re like, oh man, I actually want this to be a goal of mine for next year because I’m not doing so well, right?

[00:02:51] Wendi: Or something that I want to improve on. So for example, for me is working out. I want to be able to run more miles, to actually [00:03:00] lift more heavy weights. That’s my personal goal going into the new year. For some of you, it may be financial planning. Real estate investing and maybe getting into the entertainment industry and that is exactly Some of the topics that we’ll be covering this coming Saturday.

[00:03:17] Wendi: We’re going to empower you to excel through these different topics I know there are not many out here are many military women out here that all that are in the entertainment industry We have summer that is going to talk to us about how to do that. We have a guest speaker She’s been here in the podcast Olivia Nunn I absolutely love this woman.

[00:03:38] Wendi: She’s a great leader, not only as a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army, but she’s also a great mentor, a great coach. When it comes to how to brand yourself, how to continue to communicate your message effectively across all platforms. I mean, you will learn so much from her. And also we’ll have Rosa talk about real [00:04:00] estate and how she’s starting her technology business.

[00:04:04] Wendi: And we’ll have Michelle talk about financial planning, how she is not only creating financial freedom with her and her family, but also how you can create that even if it’s just investing a little bit of at a time.

[00:04:18] Wendi: And so I really encourage you to come join us. And I know I get it. You have so many things to get done. You have to go get, you know, get ready for the gifts, get ready to wrap the gifts. You have to get ready for the meals. You have to get ready for everything else that. Um, is going to need your attention, right?

[00:04:36] Wendi: Not to mention your day to day job or even obligations and duties. But listen, I want to encourage you to take an hour of your time and focus on yourself. So highly encourage you to take some time and block that time off your calendar and come join us and learn from these amazing women. All right, well with that, [00:05:00] I want to continue the conversation of struggling with confidence. Let’s get into the topic because When I tell you that this is something that I struggled myself, not only in the past, but even this year because of these three reasons.

[00:05:15] Wendi: And the first reason is because we tend to go off past events. So if you’re trying to start something different and you maybe started something before and you failed or it didn’t go as you planned, you are now thinking that it’s going to happen again. Even if it’s not the same situation or the same goal, your mind is going to be like, okay, you are not going to do this because you failed before.

[00:05:47] Wendi: And so what happens is that you are thinking of that one time that you failed or you didn’t follow through or you didn’t get it done. And so now your mind’s [00:06:00] like, why are you even going to try this? Like you failed before. You’ve tried to start this career in the modeling industry or you’ve tried to get out of the military and find a career that you would be interested in.

[00:06:13] Wendi: But you failed. And so what happens, you lose trust in yourself. You lose trust in anything that you are aiming to do. Anything that you want to accomplish. Because You are thinking that it’s going to happen like it did before. So the first reason is because you go back to past events that didn’t work out for you.

[00:06:40] Wendi: Now, if this is you and you’re going through it right now, it’s completely okay. It is completely okay, completely normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with your brain. This is how our brain works because it wants to protect you. Why go expose yourself when you’ve, you know, failed [00:07:00] before and you felt discouraged?

[00:07:01] Wendi: Why go through that again where you could just be safe and not do the thing that you want to do because it’s scary. You’re not going to make it. You’re not going to follow through. Right? So that’s the first reason. The second reason, and this is the biggest one, especially for the military folk, for all the military women and women veterans.

[00:07:23] Wendi: We have this perfectionism mentality. We’re like, we’re not going to put it out there unless it’s A plus material. We’re not going to audition. We’re not going to apply for this job unless I have or check all the blocks. Because it has to be perfect. And let me offer you this. Now you don’t have to be perfect.

[00:07:45] Wendi: It doesn’t have to be perfect. Listen, if I would have waited for this podcast or this video podcast to be completely perfect, it would never be out. There’s so many things. That I’ve said here before that I’m like, oh my gosh, I can’t believe I said that [00:08:00] story, or you know, I said it in this way, I sounded this way, whatever it may be, I judge myself, all these thoughts about how bad it sounds, I would never put this out in public, and you would never hear an episode, and you would never learn about how our mind works.

[00:08:15] Wendi: Isn’t that crazy? Because we have this perfectionism mentality, and we don’t want to fail. We’re like What? No, we’re not going to go out there and give B minus work and stuff that isn’t a hundred percent complete or a hundred percent perfect. So we, what do we do? We hold back. We’re like, nope, I’m not going to show up or if I do show up, I’m not going to have the confidence because it’s not perfect.

[00:08:44] Wendi: And so in our minds we’re constantly thinking it’s not perfect. So we don’t feel confident. We create that emotion of self doubt. We create an emotion of. Um, discouragement. You feel discouraged. Like, no, no, no, no, I’m not [00:09:00] going to do that. I’m not going to put anything out there. I’m not going to apply to this job.

[00:09:05] Wendi: I’m not even going to consider to get out of the military because there’s nothing out there for me. Who am I to get a profession or, you know, do something that’s out of my, um, even understanding or even, you know, the skillset that I have. And so, So that is the second main reason why we lack confidence and we struggle with the confidence because our thoughts are creating everything but confidence.

[00:09:34] Wendi: And so here’s the third one. My favorite because this is something that I’ve also struggled with and it’s something that we all do at some point in time of our lives, even as a mom. Even as a mom, like I, this is something that for a long time, and I’ve shared this before, I struggled with even considering that I was a good mom, [00:10:00] like an okay mom.

[00:10:01] Wendi: And that is thinking about you versus thinking about the service that you’re providing, thinking about your children, thinking about the value that you’re giving. And so what happens, we are so focused on, you know, how we’re doing, how we’re looking all over the little things that may not be perfect or may not be great.

[00:10:28] Wendi: And so we, when we lose focus of what we’re doing or what we’re serving or why we want to serve, why we want to do the thing, We lose confidence. We don’t even like, we completely go into self doubt. I used to go into self doubt so many times because I was always thinking about how I was performing as a mom, how I was performing as a leader, how I was performing even as a podcaster, right?

[00:10:53] Wendi: Even just behind the mic like, oh my gosh, like what are they gonna think of me? What are they gonna say? Like, [00:11:00] what is it that they’re going to judge me about? Instead of focusing on Focusing on the audience. Focusing on you. Focusing on my children. Focusing on the organization that I work for. Focusing on the people that I’m serving.

[00:11:15] Wendi: When we focus too much on ourselves, and we are constantly reminding ourselves of all the imperfections that we have, we lose confidence. We go into self doubt. We then get overwhelmed, we get disappointed, discouraged. And nothing happens because we get stuck or we go into this cycle of self doubt. And so why is this important, right?

[00:11:42] Wendi: Like why do you need to know that one, you are struggling with trusting yourself or even just, um, going back to all these past events, your willingness to fail, just, you know, [00:12:00] Thinking, overthinking everything about you, having all these thoughts about you. Why does it matter? It matters because it keeps you in the same spot.

[00:12:08] Wendi: It keeps you from being who you are meant to be on this earth. It keeps you from being that piece of the puzzle that we all need. It keeps you from serving. It keeps you from actually doing things that you want to do. Maybe you want to pursue that career. You want to pivot career. You’re like, you know what? I’m done with the military.

[00:12:28] Wendi: I appreciate all the time that I’ve had as a leader, but now it’s my time to go and teach or learn or get this PhD degree or go get this business, go invest in real estate. It keeps you away from all of that. It keeps you away from evolving, from growing. And so now you may be thinking like, okay Wendi, well now that I know that, I know these three reasons why I struggle with confidence, what do I do now?

[00:12:54] Wendi: This is what I want to offer you. I want to I offer you to pay close attention the [00:13:00] next time you want to actually take action on the one goal that you have. It may be you want to lose weight. You may want to start going to the gym. You may want to start a podcast, a business. You want to start investing in real estate.

[00:13:12] Wendi: You want to be a better mom. You want to be a better wife, whatever it may be for you. Start a career in the entertainment industry. I want you to consider which one of these three really resonate with you the most and whichever one it is. So for example, for me is number three, thinking about myself versus thinking about who I’m serving, who I am actually providing the value to, because when you understand exactly what it is, you can start working on that.

[00:13:43] Wendi: You can start working on, okay, how can I now Not look at the past events, but focus on the present moment. How can I now completely, um, not necessarily forget, but just, [00:14:00] um, be able to be willing for it to not be perfect. How do I overcome perfectionism? What can I do? You write that down. What can I do to focus mainly on my audience?

[00:14:14] Wendi: It’s on the people that are going to be affected. So for me, my kids, right? Like how can I focus on them for them to have a mom that actually isn’t going to yell at them for someone that is going to love them no matter what, because that’s what I’m here for, right? To love them no matter what. So how can I now focus on them so that I’m not constantly overthinking the things that I’m lacking in and have more confidence to pursue the things that , these things that I want, right?

[00:14:44] Wendi: Like to be there more present for my kids and not yell at them. How can I do that? Be you foc I focus on them and that’s something that you may wanna do, right? I’m just giving you an example of my own personal journey. And so when you do that. [00:15:00] You already see what it is that you’re struggling with. It may be perfectionism for you.

[00:15:05] Wendi: It may be as simple as like, you know what? I’m not going to go back to those past experiences. I’m going to focus on who I am today and where I want to go. And so when you look at that, you want art in you, you’re facing all these lies that your mind is giving you. And for the most part is doing it because it wants to protect you.

[00:15:25] Wendi: Like I said, it’s wants to protect you from that negative emotion. And so now what you want to do is one, pray about it, allow God’s relationship to help you and guide you through overcoming these thoughts, right? To only focusing on what he tells you on his word. He’s already given you authority. He’s already given you the confidence.

[00:15:50] Wendi: You can come to him whenever you feel scared. You can come to him whenever you want to face these sentences in your brain, but also the doubt that’s [00:16:00] happening because he’s the only one that can help you with overcoming that self doubt. Because another reason why we have a lot of self doubt is because we’re so reliant on ourselves when we need to rely on him even more, not just on ourselves, but on him.

[00:16:15] Wendi: So how can we overcome the self doubt and maybe even it becomes just more of doubt as a whole. And then it become more into like, okay, maybe I’m just feeling discouraged. How can I pray about this? And when you do that, you’ll be able to see that now you can, you’re creating different sentences, different thoughts.

[00:16:36] Wendi: You’re building the neural pathway to help you Continue to believe, or to help you believe that you are able to do this imperfectly. That regardless of what happened in the past, you’re still able to move forward. That regardless of what thoughts you have about yourself, how imperfect you are as a woman, as an individual, as a mom, as a wife, you can still keep going.

[00:16:58] Wendi: You can still [00:17:00] improve and be better because I’m not a perfect mom. I’m nowhere near a perfect mom and my kids can tell you. But I know that I’m getting a lot better every single day. I pray about this. I’m like, Lord, help me today. Literally this morning, I prayed about it and guess what? I got triggered again, but I was able to have self control because I again, I was reminded, fruits of the Spirit, self control, love, patience, peace.

[00:17:28] Wendi: If I’m not in the word in the morning, there’s no peace. There’s a lot of chaos. There’s less joy, less love, even though, not for my kids, but for others and so, again, how can you now start building new sentences, new thoughts that are going to help you to take action? Because ultimately, you want the feeling that it’s going to help you to take action so that you can create results.

[00:17:56] Wendi: That’s how we create results, by taking action. And we only [00:18:00] take action when we are having an emotion, a positive emotion that is fueling and driving that action. And now if you are stuck and you’re, it’s still an action, you’re in inaction, but that is because you’re just indulging in the self doubt or the negative, you know, emotion.

[00:18:21] Wendi: It can be disappointment, discouraged. And so I offer and encourage you to do this simple exercise. It’s literally going to take you five minutes or less and be honest with yourself, become aware of what’s happening here that is holding you back and maybe, you know, keeping you struggling with confidence because it sucks.

[00:18:40] Wendi: It really does suck when we’re stuck. We’re feeling all alone. We’re in self doubt and we feel like we just can’t get out of this hole because we’re spiraling. We’re constantly reminding ourselves, Oh yeah. Remember Wendi, you can’t do this because it didn’t work before. It has to be perfect. There’s no way that you can allow yourself to fail.[00:19:00]

[00:19:00] Wendi: No way at all whatsoever. And also, making it about you. Don’t make it about you. I was making it about me. It’s not about me. It’s about the people that I’m serving. Who it’s affecting. And so again, the example of podcasting, it would be affecting my audience. You tuning in, not learning. Anything about emotional well being.

[00:19:21] Wendi: How do we continue to evolve with the struggles that we have? And that’s why I’m here for. And I’m all here for it. And so, with that, I hope that you not only learned these three reasons, but also feel encouraged to really dig deeper and encourage you to start building the confidence. Now, if you want to start, being confident.

[00:19:45] Wendi: In your life, in your career. Come join me. Come join me this Saturday, December 9th at 6pm Eastern Standard Time, where I will give a workshop and you will be there and not only learn, but also apply this [00:20:00] in that moment. Give yourself an hour to yourself. Block that time. And come evolve and get empowered with us together.

[00:20:10] Wendi: All right, ladies, again, the link is in the show notes. I would love to see you there and I look forward to seeing you soon. Talk to you later. Have a great rest of your week. Bye.

[00:20:19] Wendi: Hey lady, if this podcast helped you, challenged you, or inspired you in some way, please leave me a written review for the show on Apple Podcasts and share it with another military sister. Helping you integrate balance, prioritization, and growth in your relationship with God is my ultimate calling. I’m so blessed that you are here, and please join us in the faith led military women community on Facebook at Again, it is. All right. Talk to you soon. Bye