Emotional Health

Episode 193. MVP: Judgmental thoughts about our actions

November 15, 2023

< back to blog home

Hey there, sis! Are you tired of the guilt, shame, and disappointment that often stems from self-judgment? We promise you’re not alone. In today’s  episode of , we talk judgment – its roots, its impacts, and how we can manage it in our daily lives. We all judge, and that’s okay! It’s part of being human. But how can we ensure it doesn’t consume us or hamper our actions? That’s what we’re here to explore together.

Throughout this episode, we take an introspective journey into the depths of our judgmental thoughts. We don’t just identify these thoughts; we challenge them, question them, and we learn how to turn them around. We all harbor lies that we tell ourselves, and it’s about time we called them out, don’t you think? By becoming mindful of our thought process and habitually reframing our negative thoughts, we can set a path towards truth and a healthier mindset. Now, that’s a journey worth undertaking!

We also dive into the heart of our military community and highlight the blessings and challenges it brings. We look at the critical role of faith and spirituality in shifting our mindset and guiding us towards more positive decisions. Join us  and let’s navigate the choppy waters of self-judgment together. 

Next Steps:

[00:00:55] Wendi: Hello ladies. And welcome to episode 115. [00:01:00] How are you doing? I hope that you’re doing well. I hope that you are healthy. I hope that you are. Filling amazing. And honestly, just ready to get through this week and really get as much as you can done because that’s what I’m feeling now. I am just feeling.

[00:01:20] Wendi: Really well. Feeling really blessed that I’m healthy and everything’s going well. Families want to, well, um, of course there’s always room for improvement. Of course. There’s always, you know, better seasons, but I’m just so grateful and so thankful for. You know where I am now. And again, just hoping that you are also going through a similar experience. If not, you know, I’m here to remind you that it’s okay. We are all in different seasons. Some of us have it rougher during a certain season and some of us.

[00:01:52] Wendi: Um, have it. Uh, in a different way at different seasons as well. So again, Um, [00:02:00] I want to talk today to, uh, to you about judgments. Not only like what. How we are judging ourselves, but also judgements about our actions. And when I talk about this, I am referring to. Also even actions that we’ve already taken.

[00:02:19] Wendi: And even actions that we were wanting to take in the future. So past present tense, even the future. And for the most part, you all, we tend to judge ourselves even more. On our past actions that we’ve, um, experienced that we’ve, um, pretty much been through. And, you know, that does affect us, affect us, not only in the current moment, but also in the future as well. And I think that this is one of the reasons why I really want to talk about this, and this is.

[00:02:52] Wendi: Really big on every individual. No matter if you’re a woman, a man. No matter what you’re [00:03:00] going through in life. No matter. Um, what goals you have for your soul, for what goals you don’t have for yourself? Like this is something that just. Is a part of our human brain that comes with us as a package.

[00:03:14] Wendi: And especially, you know, um, as a Christian in, even if you’re not a woman of God, Do you consider yourself a Christian? It’s still going to happen. And so we are kind of wired to have this, um, mind of it’s going to remind us that. You know, or find fault in either ourselves or another people. Right in, in situations. So I want to offer this episode more specifically to, if you’re someone that is.

[00:03:49] Wendi: Typically most of the time, hard on yourself and what I mean by that. Is that you have this expectation? And if this expectation isn’t met or you’re nowhere near it being met, then [00:04:00] you really beat yourself up. And you’re just really hard on yourself for not, um, really creating that result that you expected or the, or your expectation wasn’t met. So,

[00:04:09] Wendi: This is really for, again, any of you that are. You know, struggling with all of that stuff in your mind. And again, It’s really difficult to see it. If you don’t. Um, become aware of it. If you aren’t. Um, completely aware of what’s happening in your mind. You’re not filtering your thoughts. You’re not.

[00:04:30] Wendi: Um, really taking the time to see what exactly you’re judging yourself about or still judging yourself about based on the past or even in the future. And so I want to start by just. You know, kind of setting the tone here on. Hey, we’re all guilty of this. Like we are the most judgemental species humans that’ll ever be, no matter what, you know, type of individual you think you are your personality.

[00:04:59] Wendi: You know, [00:05:00] um, at the end of the day, this is something that we typically do automatically. We judge anyone that walks through the door. I mean, in an instant we can come up with. You know, 10 great things and 10 bad things that you know, that person, how that person is showing up. And we do that in front of the mirror.

[00:05:18] Wendi: We do that with our children, with our spouses, we do that with our family members are like, oh, they shouldn’t. Be this loud or they shouldn’t say these words or, you know, look at how they’re dressed or just look at their personality. I mean, it’s just so many things. We’ll throw mine and I want to offer you this moment too.

[00:05:35] Wendi: Be okay to consider yourself a judgemental person or even a person that. Um, has any judgment about anyone else’s actions other than yourself? Because it’s completely normal. But what I also want to emphasize here is that we want to be able to be aware of. When that is happening because. It can really show up also in your own actions, right? Like how you are perceiving another individual or how you’re [00:06:00] perceiving yourself. It’s really going to show on how you show up and how you.

[00:06:04] Wendi: Really, um, respond to. In that situation with other people. And so again, I think this is a very important topic. For many of us, especially women when we are going through so much already within our day to day. That accumulating or adding to the judgments that we already have, or continue to accumulate are not going to help us show up in a, in a way that we would, you know, really be proud of or in a way that we want to show up. And so again, allowing yourself to be okay.

[00:06:36] Wendi: That this is a part of as evolving. Uh, part of us improving and just being better humans. Um, that are women of God. Um, and really leaders, moms, wives, and it’s just something that I think, um, the more we can practice, the more that we can be aware of the better you will be. And so. A [00:07:00] lot of the times, at least when I’m coaching and I there to hold a space.

[00:07:06] Wendi: And really do my best to not judge any, um, you know, any. Actions or thoughts that they’re having or how they’re feeling about something. You know, I immediately don’t tell myself, okay, you shouldn’t be judging her. You shouldn’t be. Judging the things that she did or how she’s thinking. And stayed. I allow myself to just be okay with the judgments that are going to come up.

[00:07:33] Wendi: Because the more I try to, um, resist myself from doing that, the more the judgment’s going to come and I’m going to focus on, you know, my clients, you know, actions or thoughts that they’re having. So instead I go in with an open mind and I’m like, okay, when do you’re going to have judgment about whatever this individual says, how the person shows up in camera?

[00:07:53] Wendi: If they have someone, you know, in the background, if their wifi Islam, now, whatever it may be. I already come [00:08:00] with an open mind knowing that that is what my mind is going to offer. So what I do to help me not only say focus on the actual, on my actual client and the actual solution for my client.

[00:08:12] Wendi: And how I can present their thoughts to them. What I like to do is just be okay with a little bit of noise in the background. And that’s my mind telling me, oh, that’s a great, you know, color that she has on. Or it’s so, you know, her background is amazing or, oh, look, there goes her son in the background or her daughter and in the background.

[00:08:33] Wendi: But it’s going to happen. And so how I, you know, deviate from merely focusing on what’s happening and, you know, having all these judgments about maybe. Oh, you know, or her, um, her daughter should not be, you know, playing in the background. It should just be a space for her and me or. Um, anything that, you know, she, how she feels about something. Oh, she shouldn’t feel that way. [00:09:00] That’s immediately.

[00:09:01] Wendi: Donna, you know, come up in my brain. Because of how my brain already works, but what I like to do is not focus so much on that, but just be okay with okay. Yeah, thank you for offering me that thought, but right now I’m focused on what my client is selling me. What’s going on and really what the problem and how I can help.

[00:09:23] Wendi: Um, show her that she has a solution already and to make a decision and so on and so forth. And the next steps instead of being stuck. And so this is kind of like the similar approach that I want to offer you to take when your brain is offering you all these judgements. When your brain is giving you thoughts, like what is wrong with me?

[00:09:42] Wendi: Like, what are you doing? I, what is wrong? Um, with my situation. Was wrong with my outcome. Because our minds are going to give us that, especially when, like we prepare for something. For such a long time. That. When, you know, the [00:10:00] outcome is not what you expected your mind immediately is going to be, like I told you, you shouldn’t have done it. I told you, you should’ve taken that leap. I told you, you should have just stayed in your safe area.

[00:10:09] Wendi: You knew that you were not the one, so why did you do it? And then you, you know, you. You become this individual that’s like paying attention and risk and actually responding to these thoughts that actually are just there to help you. Survive to help you. Stay in this safe space. And what I mean by that is most of the time that we get all these judgements, all these thoughts, judgment, judgmental, thoughts about our actions.

[00:10:39] Wendi: Is because our brain is just trying to keep us safe from any harm and by harm. I mean, most of the time it’s a negative emotion. So it could be guilt. It could be shame. It could be disappointment. It can even be anxiety. It could even be the feeling of being stressed out. And so [00:11:00] that’s all our brain is doing.

[00:11:01] Wendi: My brain all is trying to do. Is to keep me focused most of the time. So this is why when I know how my brain operates, I know how I am as an individual. I get distracted easily. So what my brain is trying to do is tell me all these things that can be a distractor. So that I can stay focused, but it’s actually doing the opposite. It’s highlighting to me like, oh, she shouldn’t have.

[00:11:27] Wendi: You know, her kids in the background, she should be more prepared. She should be there on time. She should, you know, all of these things that just continue to come in. But instead I’m like, no, I’m choosing not to. Really pay attention to these judgmental thoughts that are coming in. Because this time is solely for me to hold a space and provide feedback based on what’s going on in their mind and to show them that they have the solution that they have the answer and that they are the only ones responsible for their next steps.

[00:11:57] Wendi: And so for you, [00:12:00] when you immediately start getting these thoughts, like. Again, like the most common one is what’s wrong with me. Um, what is wrong with my situation? What is wrong with my circumstance? What is really. Wrong with who I’m being. And the answer is nothing. There is nothing wrong. And what happens is when you start feeling this like shame or guilt, disappointment.

[00:12:25] Wendi: That’s really when you want to start identifying. Okay. One, I understand that this is normal for my brain because my brain is just trying to protect me. And two, this is the time for me to become aware. Uh, when it comes up the most. So for example, if it comes up for you, After, you know, you, you did something that you weren’t so sure over you. Weren’t too confident about.

[00:12:51] Wendi: Then, you know, it’s because your brain again is just trying to keep you safe. It’s doing its normal thing, trying to protect you. But what I also want to [00:13:00] offer you to do is to just be aware. Of when that those thoughts are happening, that exact moment. And so for most of you may be during presentations.

[00:13:11] Wendi: And maybe when you’re putting yourself out there and may be in social interactions. It may be when you may be say, you’re like you have this platform and availability to say something. And you did not say what you intended to say. Or it happens at home. When you’re on the way. Home. And now you have to change roles and change the hat of, you know, being a, um, supervisor to now, me and mom and a wife.

[00:13:43] Wendi: And so being aware of when it comes up the most is definitely going to help you because what also happens too, at least for me, what used to happen. Especially when I used to always be late picking up my daughter and my son. Um, or leaving the office or. I mean [00:14:00] late in that being there on time again for my kids to pick them up.

[00:14:04] Wendi: I would immediately, my mind would be like, what is wrong with you? Like what kind of mother are you? Picking up your kids late, almost every single day. You said you weren’t going to do it again. You did it all week, this week and here we are again. And so then I will show up frustrated at myself. I’ll be frustrated at myself.

[00:14:18] Wendi: I would be frustrated with then with, you know, the people at daycare, my kids, my husband with now I have to do dinner and I’m just feeling frustrated with the whole time. Because again, I wasn’t aware of what was happening in my brain. All of these. Thoughts kept compounding. And this felt these feelings of guilt and shame kept compounding as well, which wasn’t serving me at all. Not even in that moment. And again, my mind was going back to my, um, to the judgmental.

[00:14:45] Wendi: Thoughts that I was having about my past. Actions. Or actions that I’ve taken in the past. And so the last thing I want to offer you here is, you know, I want you to really call out, um, [00:15:00] That specific lie. And bring up the truth about their situation. At that circumstance. So for example, going back to the example that I just gave about picking up my kids, right.

[00:15:10] Wendi: You can now immediately call that out. And I mean, I can, I do this a lot now with a lot of the things that I, you know, struggle with. Or that I’m, you know, lacking or maybe even not, um, up to where I want to be. And even as you know, through this pregnancy, right? Sometimes I want to wake up. How I used to wake up at 4, 4 34 45 at the latest.

[00:15:36] Wendi: And go to the gym and do all of these things. But because now I know that my body’s changing. I’m in a whole different sleep schedule and I’m adjusting. I have to remind myself. Okay. First of all, no, I am not lazy to, it’s not because I am I’m super tired or exhausted it’s because I actually am wanting to take.

[00:15:56] Wendi: I am willing. And wanting to take [00:16:00] time to really focus on my rest. And so when I can’t really call out, you know, it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s not because I don’t have anything to do or it’s not because my work isn’t important or my working out, or my prayer time is an important. It’s because in that.

[00:16:17] Wendi: In in that day or in that moment? Hey, I just want, I just decided to sleep in it’s that simple. Or again, going back to the example that I gave earlier. It’s not that I couldn’t leave. Um, earlier is that I decided it made that choice to leave later because of this XYZ project or this meeting. That came up, has nothing to do with my parenting.

[00:16:39] Wendi: Has nothing to do with how. I’ve um, Responded or acted in the past. It has a lot to do with the choice and decision that I made in that moment. And so again, doing that in an and really being okay with. Having these judgmental thoughts. Having these thoughts that are always going to come [00:17:00] up no matter what.

[00:17:01] Wendi: No matter how much coaching you’re doing, no matter how education, how much education you get, no matter how much money you have in the bank, there will always be judgmental thoughts that come through your brain. Because again, Your brain is just trying to help you out. Keep you safe. Keep you in this positive emotion instead of a negative emotion, no one wants to feel guilty or shame or disappointment or anxiety.

[00:17:22] Wendi: So our brain is just doing its thing. But now here’s another thing that I want to add. And I don’t have this in my notes, by the way. In order to just came to, to mine. You know, Being okay, too, with taking this, you know, to prayer, taking this to God and really asking yourself. Is this something that is of God, is this something that God would want me to be.

[00:17:43] Wendi: Focused on right now. And if the answer is no, then just allow it to come through. There’s nothing that you can do. Two. Um, block that thought from coming in. You don’t want to resist the thoughts that are coming in, because it’s just how your [00:18:00] brain. Has been wired on the thinking, right? When you want to do now is create different paths of wiring.

[00:18:07] Wendi: Um, of what your mind has been so used to offering you. So for example, Like I said, um, These three steps. You want to be able to go through these three steps. And continue to do this every single time. You are, um, feeling this whole judgemental piece judgemental thoughts are coming up. When all you’re trying to do is, you know, go on about your day and not be Harding yourself. So if you feel like you are becoming really hard on yourself and you’re just like beating yourself up about things that happened months, maybe even years ago,

[00:18:48] Wendi: This is the time for you to really go through these three steps. And again, the first step is understand that this is normal. Of your brain to do this. This is your brain trying to keep you from feeling a negative emotion. And [00:19:00] to you want to become aware of when it comes up the most, like. When you’re at work, when you are, um, presenting something, when you are getting ready to do something new.

[00:19:11] Wendi: When you are spending time with your kids, with your spouse, when you’re going on a vacation, like, are you feeling guilty for taking a vacation? Whenever that time is you want to become aware of when it happens, because it’s something that you’ve already wired and trained your brain to do during that certain time.

[00:19:31] Wendi: And then you want to call out that lie. And really talk your way into the truth, right? Like, what is the truth about the situation. And like I gave the example earlier. No, I am. Um, not a terrible mother. Because I left work late. This is what I had to do at work and all, something that needed to get done in order for me to spend time with my kids and not think about work and not have to do work while my kids are ended in the tub or while my [00:20:00] kids are eating dinner.

[00:20:01] Wendi: And so things like that for you to refocus on what’s really, you know, happening here. And not allowing your brain to take you places like, oh, well, It looks like there’s something wrong with you. Look, it looks like you’re a terrible mom and it looks like you’re just, you know, you could be doing better and then you become.

[00:20:19] Wendi: You know, there’s individual, that’s just really hard on themselves. So, this is what I want to offer you. I do these three steps whenever you’re starting to feel. As if you’re just having, you know, To find faults either about yourself. About others about your situation. That is causing all of this, um, this appointment, guilt shame.

[00:20:43] Wendi: Even regret or anger and anxiety. So I hope that you do this and you practice this and you continue to be aware of really what’s happening when these judgmental thoughts are coming in about any action that you take in or any action that you’ve taken in the past and more so to. [00:21:00] Even if you haven’t taken that action yet, your mind is going to offer you so many things in so many.

[00:21:07] Wendi: Um, thoughts on, you know, one Y. You shouldn’t be doing this in the future based on your past, or even based on your current situation. So again, I hope that you are able to do this exercise. I hope that you’re able to really hone in on, you know, what these judgements are and really be more specific.

[00:21:27] Wendi: And be able to decipher really what it is at. Maybe keeping you there, maybe keeping you stuck, maybe keeping you from. Actually pursuing the things that you want to do I hope that this is helpful. Please let me know. , send me an email. You can go to hello@wendiwray.com. And let me know how you’re using this. You can also leave me a review or you have to do is go to apple podcasts, scroll to the very bottom. Let me know what you think. And also if there’s any of the topic that you want me to touch on. All right. I hope that this blesses you and that you enjoy [00:22:00] the rest of your week. Talk to you soon.

[00:22:02] Wendi: Bye.