[00:00:00] Wendi: Hey SIS. Welcome to Beyond the Military Podcast. Where faith led military women overcome burnout and create more balance. Just imagine having enough time to focus on your faith family and have more fun while still serving as a woman leader in this podcast, you’ll walk away with the tools to help you navigate the busy life of a military woman.

[00:00:19] Wendi: Organize your mind. Overcome overwhelming, create a privatization playbook and balanced blueprint for integrating with family. Yes, it’s in that order. Hi, I’m Wendi Wray, woman of God, life mama, two army veteran and certified life coach. I’m here to help you create a life of meaning outside of the military, a life of laughter joy and intentional free time.

[00:00:43] Wendi: If you are ready to overcome burnout and create balance as a faith led military woman, since this podcast is for you. So loosen up your laces and grab your coffee because it’s time to step into freedom. Hello ladies. And a welcome to episode number 50. I am so [00:01:00] happy that you are here and I am so excited for today’s episode because you all, it’s the 50th episode.

[00:01:06] Wendi: And honestly, we’ve been together now for 50 episodes. So I want to thank you. And I’m just so happy that you have tuned into this episode, probably even for the first time. And if it is. But if you’ve been tuning in and hanging in with me for the last 50 episodes again, thank you. And I just want to give you a shout out and I just want to apply to you for also taking the time to consider taking in this information and possibly even using it in your everyday lives now, possibly even implementing, possibly even taking me up on the offer of.

[00:01:41] Wendi: Taking notes, the offer of taking a moment to consider the questions that have been given to you, or even the tips. So again, a product yourself, give yourself a high five, give yourself a wink, whatever you need to do to just show yourself some love and appreciation for the growth that you are not only aiming [00:02:00] for, but also even possibly going through.

[00:02:02] Wendi: So yes, lady, you got this, keep it going. And I just pray that today’s episode also is going to not only help you, but. To continue to focus on who you are versus what you do. And if you listen to last week’s episode, I did talk about this as well. Um, focusing on who you’re becoming versus the actual goal itself.

[00:02:25] Wendi: So if you have a lesson or tune into last week’s episode, I highly recommend that you do, and that is episode number 49, the episode right before this one, but in regard to focusing on what you do. Versus who you are is crucial because having that foundation and identifying that who you are is completely different from what you do, meaning like what you do currently in your job, your role in a relationship, your role at home.

[00:02:53] Wendi: As a woman, as a wife is completely. From who you are. So I want to make that really clear in this episode, [00:03:00] and also give you the 10 things that will help you to get mentally stronger, because that’s how not only is going to allow us to focus more on who we are, so that ultimately, or the. What you will do.

[00:03:14] Wendi: And again, if you’ve been listening to the episodes and know the coaching model that I use, understand that our actions are fueled by how we feel, and our feelings are created by what we think about that circumstance or about that situation. And ultimately the results that we create. Or the outcomes that we create are created from the actions that we take.

[00:03:39] Wendi: Right? So it all begins in our minds, in our thinking. And again, if you’ve been following me, if you’ve been listening to these episodes, you know, that I am big when it comes to really understanding how our mind works, understanding how we can manage. Our unmanaged brain, how we can [00:04:00] retrain our brain, how we can rewire our, our thinking, create different neural pathways.

[00:04:05] Wendi: Because when we have this understanding of how our mind works and really understand that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings drive our actions and our actions create our results, then we can really understand. Where we’re going, we can be more intentional and we can be more cautious when we have these thoughts that come up most of the time randomly.

[00:04:29] Wendi: Right? Because we have so many thoughts that are coming in about different situations at different times and different moments. So it’s imperative that we learn how our mind works first and how we can not only take inventory of what we’re thinking, but also. Learn to decipher, learn to filter the thoughts that aren’t going to serve us.

[00:04:51] Wendi: The thoughts aren’t going to help us, because if you are feeling a negative emotion, most of the time, you won’t take the right action that you are looking to [00:05:00] take, right? You, you won’t take that, um, action. That’s going to help you. Move forward or take progress instead of you’re possibly gonna feel stuck.

[00:05:12] Wendi: You’re going to procrastinate. You’re going to waste time. You’re going to do the things that are going to give you that false pleasure that you need, that instant dopamine hit that you need. That is possibly again, a false pleasure that. Even think or consider of doing it intentionally, but because of your, you have a human brain and I don’t understanding how your mind works and all of that goes out the window.

[00:05:40] Wendi: And now here you are again, back at square one. So focusing on your mind, and this is why I wanted to talk about this now, before we start into the new year and closing out this year and really understanding how you can. Get yourself mentally stronger, how you can become [00:06:00] mentally stronger. What’s going to help you.

[00:06:01] Wendi: And I want it to begin with focusing on who you are, right? Like that’s the focus that we want to continue to have because what you do and the actions that you take are completely separate from the person that you are. You are not your job. You are not your rank. You are not your position. You are not your role at home or in any relation.

[00:06:24] Wendi: You are not your circumstances. Most importantly, that DUI that you got that divorce that you just got is not who you are. And this is another thing that I want to emphasize. You could have the most terrible job, the most terrible position, and still show up as a terrific, amazing human being. And a situation can be one.

[00:06:52] Wendi: And you can still show up in a completely different way, because if a situation is not how you prefer, you still [00:07:00] get to show up as yourself. Exactly. As you’d like to. And I know some of you may be thinking, well, if I’m a drill Sergeant, I can’t show up as myself. Of course, you’re going to show up with a different demeanor, right?

[00:07:12] Wendi: You’re going to show up in a different way, but you can social up with your same values. That you portray. That’s what I mean, the values, the beliefs that you have, right? You don’t have to pretend to be this mean person or this strict person. If that’s not who you are, you don’t have to do that. And I think that when you can uncover that, and you can be honest with yourself and just be you, you can still be a drill Sergeant, but you don’t have to pretend to be.

[00:07:40] Wendi: Person or to be this, you know, mean, um, no feelings person. I mean, yes, there’s a time for that, but you don’t have to be that the whole time and you don’t have to pretend to be that at home either, because I think that that’s where we get our, or our minds trick us. Right. Because we’re a drill Sergeant at work or we’re just Sergeant, we have to [00:08:00] be that at home as well.

[00:08:01] Wendi: And I’m just giving you a drastic example here, but being an NCO or being an officer, being a leader, doesn’t have to be who you are. All the time. That is just your position. That it’s just your job. And it doesn’t define who you truly are. Right? Because again, who you are is based on your values based on your beliefs, based on your character and being able to be okay with expressing yourself.

[00:08:30] Wendi: We hit okay with allowing yourself to know who you are underneath that uniform underneath the rank, the position, the job itself. Is honestly the most powerful thing you could do for yourself because now you aren’t, results-focused meaning you’re just focused on doing, doing, doing and steady. You are now focused on your mind.

[00:08:56] Wendi: You’re focused on the values, your beliefs, [00:09:00] who you are. Beneath all of that. And the reason I also wanted to talk about this now is because in my next episode, I’ll be talking about transitioning, not only during the holidays, but just transitioning as a whole because when I was transitioning, I was transitioning during the holidays.

[00:09:16] Wendi: So I actually didn’t get the time to really identify or define who I was. Until after the holidays. And that was even harder for me because I felt alone. And I think that this is something that we need to talk about because. We don’t talk about who we are and how that is going to determine what we want to do after the military.

[00:09:38] Wendi: Instead, we focus on what we did in the military and how we can use that to continue to do it in the civilian sector, which by the way, does not work. Because most of the time you don’t like the job that you’re doing in the military, or it’s completely different in the civilian sector. Which again, I’m going to talk about it even more in the next episode, but.

[00:09:58] Wendi: It’s important that we [00:10:00] understand who we are and how we can mentally be stronger and prepare ourselves because if being mentally stronger or something, we want to be that we there’s things that we have to consider. There’s things that we need to practice. There’s things that we need to start doing now so that we can now be mind focused instead of results focused.

[00:10:19] Wendi: Because again, ultimately who we are will determine what we do. And by that, I mean, if you know exactly who you are at least 95% of the time, if you know, at least 95% who you are as an individual and where you want to go, then you will be determined to do the things that will get you there instead of doing it from a place of stress and anxiety, because.

[00:10:53] Wendi: You haven’t explored that yet. So I want to offer you 10 things that will help you get mentally strong, because I think that [00:11:00] that is the initial phase, right? Because yes, we do consider ourselves mentally strong. We are, but this is mainly when we’re in the service. When we are out of the service, we kind of getting anxious.

[00:11:15] Wendi: We get into a phase of. Am I really capable of doing the things that I was able to do in the military, out in civilian sector or as a civilian, or just as a retiree, whatever it may be or, um, the position that you’re going into, right. A project manager or a contractor or whatever it may be. So I want to offer you the kind of like a starting point to help you get mentally stronger, because the better we can understand and prepare ourselves mentally, the better off we’re going to be.

[00:11:46] Wendi: So here are the 10 things. Number one, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t feel sorry for yourself anymore. Whatever you’ve gone through, whatever mistakes you’ve made, [00:12:00] whatever things you’ve done in the military, or as an individual and your relationships as a parent, as a leader, just stop feeling sorry for yourself.

[00:12:11] Wendi: Number two, take responsibility for your feelings and your actions. Taking responsibility for your feelings. It’s super powerful, which by the way, you have to go listen to the episode on emotional responsibility. And that is episode 19, where you’ll learn how to take emotional responsibility, which again is taking responsibility of your feelings and the actions, because remember how you feel determines the actions that you take.

[00:12:42] Wendi: So go tune into that episode against them or 19 and number three, embrace change. We know, we’ve hear it all the time. We are constantly changing. We’re constantly moving. We’re constantly, um, open and being resilient to change, but seriously, [00:13:00] I mean, change also in your personal lives, like when things have.

[00:13:06] Wendi: When things come out of nowhere, embrace the change because it’s going to help you. It’s going to allow yourself to consider other options and give you that space to consider possibly the impossible. Right. So embrace it and be okay with it. Even though I know we all go through change all the time, especially in the military, but this time embracing it in a way where you.

[00:13:36] Wendi: Being okay with it instead of fighting it fighting reality because we never win number four, focus on what you can control. And that is your mind focus only on what you can’t control. You can’t control your commander. You can’t control your first Sergeant. You can’t control your, um, other soldiers, other people around you.

[00:13:58] Wendi: Your, your husband, your [00:14:00] kids focus on your mind. Number five, please yourself and like yourself. And this is what I mean about that. Stop people pleasing, stop focusing on what you think others need from you or what you think others expect of you. Just stop it and just allow yourself to like who you are as an individual, as a woman, as.

[00:14:27] Wendi: As a wife, as a leader, be okay with that. You are who you are for a reason. God created you so uniquely for a reason. So just be able to please yourself and love yourself. Number six, take calculated risks. What I mean by that is be intentional. Yes. If you need to take a risk, if you need to go to the promotion board early, if you need to go to this.

[00:14:57] Wendi: Take it, if that’s something that’s going to help you mentally and [00:15:00] not only in your career, but possibly even with your family, take it. If you are possibly thinking about getting married, I mean, be in touch with it. It’s a risk. We all know that, right. But if it’s there, it’s there for a reason, the opportunity is there, the doors open, take it, be intentional about it.

[00:15:19] Wendi: Number seven, release the past and learn from your mistakes. Release the past and learn from your mistakes. It’s that simple, right? But this is the thing most of you are hold on to that DUI that you got, or most of you will hold on to that divorce. Most of you will hold onto the things that you could have done when you were 17.

[00:15:37] Wendi: And now you’re 27. Let it go. Number eight, celebrate other success. Stop wasting time on being jealous in which, by the way, I have an episode on jealousy as well. So stay tuned. I’ll probably, won’t be, I’ll be out next year, but be okay with celebrating your brother and sister, [00:16:00] be okay with celebrating others around you.

[00:16:03] Wendi: Trust me, there’s enough to go out there for everyone. And what is out there for somebody else may not be for you. Some people get promoted very quickly and it’s completely okay. You may not be on, on that same road, on that same journey, but if you’re putting in the work, you shouldn’t be worried about nobody else’s, um, achievements besides your own.

[00:16:28] Wendi: So celebrate them, celebrate yourself, celebrate other, other successes. Number nine, commit to achieving the long-term results, commit to achieving the long-term result. I get it. We are all in this, um, generation of just what’s the word convenience. That’s the word we are so used to everything being readily available and [00:17:00] so easy now.

[00:17:02] Wendi: So like at your fingertips that we sometimes forget that there will be a long-term result. And when we commit to something, it means that we’re all. It means that regardless of the obstacles, the failures that we encounter, we’re going to continue to focus on achieving that longterm result. That’s what it means.

[00:17:25] Wendi: And here’s the last one. Spend time alone. When you can spend time alone. Now in this moment, it will help you. When you are actually alone when you are out there in the field, when you’re deployed, when you are transitioning, because all these thoughts that are coming up now will continue to come up.

[00:17:49] Wendi: Regardless of how you try to resist it, how you try to, um, distract yourself away from actually thinking those thoughts. They will [00:18:00] continue to come up. That’s how our brain is wired. Our brain is going to continue to remind. Of how terrible we are, how we should refer to further along how we make terrible decisions.

[00:18:12] Wendi: I mean, all these things, all these negative thoughts are going to come up. That’s just the way our brain works. Because again, our brain is trying to protect us. We’re trying to not be in survival mode. So our brain wants us to do that ahead of time. But most of us go into anxiety. We go into overwhelm, we go into frustration.

[00:18:29] Wendi: So spending time alone now in this moment, It’s very important for you to not only help you get mentally strong, but help you determine who you are as well. And here’s another thing. Here’s what I mean about being alone. I don’t mean just being alone with the TV on being alone, um, with some music or listening to a podcast, I mean, genuinely being alone with your thoughts and if you have to write them down even better, if you have to, um, be able to talk to yourself while this.

[00:18:59] Wendi: [00:19:00] And really filter what’s true and what’s not, and what’s going to serve you and what’s not by all means do so. But that’s what I mean about being alone, along with your thoughts and there you have it. Those are the 10 things that will help you. Not only start focusing on getting mentally stronger, but also giving you a starting point to help you get on track on focusing on your mind and focusing on who you are.

[00:19:27] Wendi: Versus what you do and, you know, focusing on your job or focusing on who you are because of your job, that’s not it, what you do. And the actions that you take are separate from her. All right, ladies, that’s all that I have for you today. And listen, if this episode resonated with you and you want to take this a step deeper and just be more intentional with your time growing your faith and become more productive, schedule a free session with me.

[00:19:56] Wendi: All you have to do is go to [00:20:00] www.wendiwray.com/freesession. And I hope you get started. All right, lady, happy Monday and have a beautiful rest of. Bye. Hey lady. If this podcast helped you challenge you or inspired you in some way, please leave me a written review for the show on apple podcast and share it with another military system, helping you integrate balance prioritization and growth in your relationship with God is my ultimate comment.

[00:20:22] Wendi: I I’m so blessed that. Please join us in the faith leader, military woman, community on Facebook at bit.ly/beyondthemilitarygrp. hope to see you there and I’ll meet you back here next week. Bye.